Toxic Lists and Second Chances: Breaking the No-Contact Cycle

Families don't need to stay broken, and relationships don't need to remain damaged by bitterness, even in our increasingly divided culture. We explore how building a culture of forgiveness can restore relationships with lost kids and family members for generations to come.

• What you model with forgiveness will be how your children forgive others when they're hurt
• Dealing with bitterness keeps your family loving each other and prevents children from feeling like victims
• Building a culture of forgiveness protects families for generations
• Learning to ask "Will you forgive me?" permits others to respond
• Being the first to initiate reconciliation often breaks cycles of hurt
• Forgiveness isn't saying what someone did is okay—it's giving mercy to those who deserve judgment
• The "no contact" rule was meant for abuse, not for cutting off those who simply disagree
• Jesus died not only for your sins but also for sins committed against you
• Waiting for someone else to take the first step in reconciliation often leads to permanent estrangement

For more resources on building a culture of forgiveness in your family, visit www.thefatherdifference.com/links to download a free book and learn about personal coaching.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome and Introduction
• 6:33 The Danger of Bitterness in Families
• 15:07 Why Deal with Bitterness in Your Family
• 20:02 Building a Culture of Forgiveness
• 29:43 Practical Steps to Restore Relationships
• 36:08 Jesus' Blood Covers All Hurts
• 42:56 Closing Prayer and Resources

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:03

Hey, well, welcome. I'm your host, ed Tan McLaughlin, and I am so grateful to be with you. Make sure you sign in. Would love to hear from you questions that you might have tonight as we get into this subject of really, how do we in a real way restore relationships with lost kids, so important. We live in a day right now where bitterness seems to be the fuel of the culture. You can tell all the bitterness in the universities in Columbia right now just the craziness there and all around there's just this incredible rage that's just happening between people, groups, all for the sake of this free speech idea. Well, it's destroying relationships and God's made us for more than that, and tonight we're going to talk about how to restore relationships with lost kids, lost friends, family members. It all applies powerful thing to learn in your own life, because your family doesn't need to stay broken, your family doesn't need to stay isolated from one another. And I don't know about you. That's devastating as you get older, as a father or a grandfather, to have your kids kind of like this to you, and so, if you're interested, tune in, invite your friends. This will be available later for you as well, and I'm really grateful for an opportunity to share with you tonight.

Speaker 1: 2:26

So, if you just tune in, I'm Ed Tandy McGrathson, and, yes, I have two last names. Tandy was my birth father, who met Jesus at 400 miles an hour in Monterey Bay. He was killed in action. Mcgrathson is my stepfather in heaven, who stepped in to raise me, did the best he could, and the combination I had two dads. Some of you might have like three dads, four dads. Well, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 1: 2:55

But what we're talking about really matters right now, and that is how do we build our family and restore relationships. Well, last week we talked about how many times should I forgive somebody. Well, let me tell you, it'll do a lot of things that end up doing you in, not the person that you're angry with, and so tonight we're going to start out and get a scripture for you that we've been talking about. If you see me drink these big gulps, I'm a big guy. I need a lot of water. So welcome all you that are turning in on all the different platforms. We're so grateful that you're here.

Speaker 1: 3:55

So the question is how do we restore relationships? Well, we looked at this verse last week and I just love it in the message and it says that God is love. When we take up permanent residence in the life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. The way love has the run of the house, this way love has run of the house and becomes a home and matures in us. Boy, isn't that so true? That's a powerful promise there.

Speaker 1: 4:36

And we also learned if anyone boasts I love God and goes right on hating his brother or sister, thinking of it, he is a liar. Well, boy, you don't have to look far on what's happening in our world today. There's a lot of that going on, see. Thinking nothing of it, he's a liar. If he won't love the person he can see, how can he say he loves God that it cannot see?

Speaker 1: 5:04

And when religion gets between people and so many things, it destroys relationship, it'll destroy you, it'll destroy your family, and so we're going to look at those things tonight, and one of the things we looked at last week as well is that watch out that no bitterness takes root among you as it springs up and it causes deep trouble and hurting many in their spiritual lives. It destroys you, it destroys you, it destroys families and, boy, it's devastating when it grabs a hold of you. Had a Ukrainian, almost kind of like a spiritual son in the streets of Paris, call me for coaching. Felt, trapped kind of, in his life, had to escape because of the war and found himself alone, angry, and he started to encounter the love of Jesus for himself. And that's powerful and, you know, when you're really guarding your heart, it will determine everything. Guard your heart with all diligence, the proverb says, for out of it flows the springs of your life. That's so true. So why should I deal with the root of bitterness in my family? Here's a couple things that we talked about. But think about it practically for you. What you model with your kids will be the way they forgive others when they are hurt. They forgive others when they are hurt. It's such a powerful thing when your children, when you see your kids, model something that you've gone through.

Speaker 1: 7:16

Let me tell you a little story. Christmas is ago, right in the midst of COVID and all those things, that we had all of our grandkids at the house, and it was a beautiful pandemonium. You know, my wife had, you know, taken weeks to shop and buy presents and my grandkids voraciously went through all the gifts within 30 seconds of them touching each gift. It was just, you know, paper flying, I mean, and then the fighting and one of my grandkids got a sword and whacked his sister and she's crying. And my daughter goes over and says, raleigh, you know you hurt your sister, you need to go over and ask for forgiveness. And Raleigh goes over, hugs his sister and asks for forgiveness. And I'm going to tell you that was a powerful moment for me because I was watching my daughter model something that she watched me do towards her.

Speaker 1: 8:41

See, here's the underlying secret of building a culture of forgiveness is that when you catch God's forgiveness for you and you then model asking for forgiveness from your children, you change the whole game for them Because, without you realizing it, you are creating this amazing culture of forgiveness in their heart, where bitterness doesn't have to live. It's a powerful thing. Here's something else why you should do it It'll keep your family loving each other. Else, why should you do it? It'll keep your family loving each other. You know, as you get older, you know it's not about how much money you have in the bank. Well, I'm in a ministry, don't have much. But what I do have in the bank is a spiritual, supernatural history with Jesus that my children are catching from me and Jill and the way we love each other, the way we, you know, talk to one another. Our children have watched this for years and they're now living those things out and it's really true, more is caught than taught. That's why it's so important when you're dealing with your kids to you know, really understand that what you do in front of them really does matter and it's powerful when that happens and it's powerful when that happens the thing.

Speaker 1: 10:25

The second thing is why should I deal with the root of bitterness in my family? It'll keep your kids from feeling like victims. Gosh, it's. Have you noticed just in the news and everything, how many young people, even in college, are just building a life as being a victim and living in bitterness? And you challenge them at any level? You know you're an oppressor and they can choose anything, any cause, and we have the freedom in our country to protest and do all these things.

Speaker 1: 11:12

But the vitriol inside of these children where to begin? Ever thought about that? Where to begin? Ever thought about that? I mean we could say, well, it's you know the university or it's you know it's some other you know factor or the devil, and sometimes that's true. But our children first learn from us how to forgive one another, how to love one another, by the way we treat each other. And so, as a parent or a grandma and you could be close to heaven, or not, boy, this is such a good day to restore relationship with your kids and show them how to do that.

Speaker 1: 12:09

We're going to talk about that a little bit later, but think you know why should I deal with the root of bitterness? Not only will it keep your kids from feeling like victims, it will teach your children how to parent your grandkids, which is so important. I talked to you last week about the no contact rule or list that's out there when children are like cutting off their moms and dads if they feel challenged at all, like they're toxic. Or the grandchildren, the grandparents are separated from their grandchildren because of bitterness. And, boy, what a travesty that is. Because grandkids I tell you what for us grandparents, they're like the icing on the cake that you can eat all day. They're just amazing. And then we get to give them back. And yet that's an important relationship to have. And how do we, you know, build that culture with our children so that they don't stay stuck? You know, build that culture with our children, so that they don't stay stuck.

Speaker 1: 13:26

So we looked at this verse as well last week, and that is that we got to get rid of all bitterness, rage among every form of malice, be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as Christ has forgiven you. Now that's the key is to be kind and compassionate to one another. You've got to forgive each other, and the way you do it, you forgive them based on how Christ has forgiven you. Now, how many has God forgiven you? Way more than anybody's ever done anything to you Absolutely. And so that's one of the secrets of being able to go and ask for forgiveness is because you're really in touch with the fact that you've really blown it and God's forgiven you for so much. So why wouldn't you want to go to your children and ask for forgiveness? It's a powerful thing, and let me kind of lay this out in something that happened in my own story as a young dad, and something that happened in my own story as a young dad I came into the—I could hear my children in the other room.

Speaker 1: 15:02

They were fighting, calling one another names and then doing just kidding and like that makes it all right to poke fun at somebody, and I was. I heard this and my response was I need to go out there and do something. And I felt God's prodding as I'm walking out to the kitchen. And it was you've never taught them how to ask for forgiveness, boy. It just confronted me. It was true, I had sort of taught them the locker room thing that we would do in the NFL. We'd tease somebody and just say, just kidding, and although that would hurt people.

Speaker 1: 15:45

But I never went in and said, will you forgive me? And I remember my children were fighting and I walked in and they said, uh-oh, big Papa's here. And I said, all right, family meeting, to which they're like, okay, who's in trouble? And I looked at them and I asked them a question. You might have heard this question before you've been at any of my events, and it was. You know, guys, I know there's some things I've done that's really hurt you. Can you tell me what they are so I can ask for forgiveness? Man, it just shut them down. My daughters, right away, turned and looked at me and said, really, really, and Mary's crying, jessica's crying, my boys, they don't want to, you know, be a slobbering mess. They're kind of, and they're all young and my daughters first started saying really, dad, and Jessica told me about things I did that hurt her, that I keep doing, and I remember.

Speaker 1: 17:10

It just hit me as a father or as a mother how to listen, learn and then own what you did and not just say I'm sorry, but to say, will you forgive me? See, when you say will you forgive me, you give them an opportunity to respond. If you say well, sorry, well that just means in a real way, I'm really not, I'm sorry, I did what I did. But that doesn't take as much humility as saying will you forgive me for that. You might be a husband or wife watching right now, or in a family and you have jilted kids and you know our culture out there, because it's so filled with bitterness is that we're waiting for somebody to take the first step. We're waiting for our children to take the first step. Well, I just say let the bigger person go first.

Speaker 1: 18:27

Most of the time we've modeled things to our kids that's hurt them and we've just never owned it. And that's what I was doing. And so all four of my kids Joshua's just too little, he's a baby at the time and they said Dad, you did this. This really hurt me and I said will you forgive me for that A specific? And I'm going to tell you.

Speaker 1: 18:53

I watched the power of forgiveness begin to come in and heal the hurt that was turning into bitterness in my children and then causing them to fight against one another. Because what grieved me so much as a dad was that there'll be a day when I am no longer around on earth and I don't want to look down from heaven and see my children separated, destroyed over craziness, and that's what's happening in our world today. Jesus has an answer Forgive one another, just as Christ has forgiven you. And that broke something, and without me knowing the full extent of what happened, when I did that, I was building a culture of forgiveness between me and my children, so they would know this is how you humble yourself and you learn from the other person and own it. You humble yourself and you learn from the other person and own it. And I could have preached a million sermons on forgiveness, but that sermon hit me that day.

Speaker 1: 20:14

And here's the principle Building a culture of forgiveness will protect you and your family for generations to come. I've done my family tree all the way back for generations. And boy, you can trace in families where bitterness has taken root and how it just goes from father to son to son to son to son or daughter to daughter to daughter Alcoholism, rage, abuse. But then there's those places in my family tree where Jesus was a part of that story and you see a pastor here and a pastor here and a pastor and a pastor and a pastor people who served God. So, in other words, who you are and how you model that to your children are going to be passed on way beyond the grave. For you and boy, that's just a powerful thing.

Speaker 1: 21:12

Here's number one when you build a culture of forgiveness in your family, you will unlock the mercy of God for your family and for your children. The mercy of God for your family and for your children. God's mercy towards us because of what Christ did on the cross. We just came through our Easter time that we've celebrated the church, but when Jesus died on the cross, he died as though he were you. He took every sin you did and would ever do so that you could receive His mercy and be forgiven. And that's incredible. That's an incredible thing to happen in your life and what it does when you're able to have that, you learn this and it's just such a powerful thing.

Speaker 1: 21:58

And that is the wisdom that's from above, because we've got a lot of wisdom that's earthbound today, but the true wisdom that's from above is, first, pure and peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy, and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy, fruits unwavering without hypocrisy. Well, what if that was a litmus test for everything that's going on in these universities right now? They think they have wisdom. Well, it's not peaceable, is it? Pure, peaceable, general, reasonable, full of mercy. Good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. No, reasonable, full of mercy, good fruits, unwavering without hypocrisy. Unfortunately, families are being run by rage, and when they're run with this boy, things change. Number two it teaches us how to keep bitterness from destroying our family.

Speaker 1: 23:03

Forgiveness is the way you keep bitterness from destroying your family. And guess what? Anybody can learn this. And guess what too. It's never too late. I've watched grandpas and their sons and their grandchildren in their last moments, make a whole life of brokenness right by asking for forgiveness. Maybe you're older and maybe you're getting up there and you're waiting for those final moments. Why don't you approach your children and your grandchildren, if you've heard them, and ask for forgiveness? Not just blanket, but ask them forgiveness by saying are there some things that I have done that's hurt you, that I haven't asked for forgiveness for yet? And I want to tell you, my friend, if you'll do that and they respond, it might take you a number of attempts because they might be hurt and think you're toxic or they've put you on this no contact thing. You just keep reaching out because the longer you hesitate, the more bitterness is going to just own them. It could restore your whole family and relationship. It's never too late. Don't be surprised if they say well, it's about time, mom or Dad. Well, that's just the way that goes, dad. Well, that's just the way that goes.

Speaker 1: 24:44

The second thing is and you all saw this verse before, and that is you know, don't let bitterness have its way, you know, in your family, but be kind to one another and tenderhearted with one another, forgiving each other as God has forgiven you. That is, that's the measurement of how you do that. Number three it teaches us to forgive each other like God's forgiven us. I mean, that is just—that was the thing that rocked me and got my attention the most as a dad, when you know I had this really difficult person I was dealing with. I call them EGRs extra grace required.

Speaker 1: 25:47

You have any of those people that when you're around them, at family events or somewhere else, you need God's help because they are ornery or they don't bring out the best in you. And those are the places that you can really learn to love them in ways like God loves you when you're not lovely. And so I had this person that was just constantly approaching me, pointing out things that were broken in my life or, you know, just felt it was their job to challenge me. Have you ever had people like that? When you see them, you run away, and I remember just my reaction to this person, and every time I'd see them I'd sort of like, oh nice, seeing you, and boom, I'm gone.

Speaker 1: 26:42

And then I realized that I had been hurt and so I had not forgiven this person. They were in my church and so I you know, it's like I remember a prayer time one day I said, god, I want you to. Could you just deal with this person? They drive me nuts, can you just like get them out of my life? And Jesus' response was, yeah, after you go and ask for forgiveness for being angry, oh gosh. And I just, you know, forgave him and then went to him and said you know, I've just been really angry with you, forgive me for just doing this to you. And little did I know that that just broke our relationship and changed everything, because they saw me come in humility.

Speaker 1: 27:39

See, when we come in humility and ask for forgiveness, guess what happens that we don't know or see. Christ will step in between you and them and something powerful will happen. That's an awesome thing and you know, one of the other benefits we talked about this already is that when I model asking for forgiveness with my family or my wife, something powerful happens inside of my family and maybe some of your kids. Right now they're just, they're waiting for you dad or you mom, or maybe you're single and they're waiting for you to take the first step and you're just waiting. And I mean, I encourage you, don't ever put somebody on a toxic list unless they are really abusive. But that whole no contact rule, that thing was actually meant to protect somebody who's being abused. But now, today, if you disagree with somebody, they're basically saying you're abusing me, that's not even close. Somebody, they're basically saying you're abusing me, that's not even close. And so you know what happens.

Speaker 1: 29:04

When you learn how to receive, you know God's forgiveness for you, you learn how to forgive even the toughest people. And then look what happens by modeling forgiveness by giving mercy, you model forgiveness by giving mercy instead of bitterness. You don't give them in kind, you bless them. It's a kind word. Proverbs says turns away wrath. When people get really angry and you bless them, it changes something.

Speaker 1: 29:36

I remember learning this early as a football player. Yes, you can see that I have two knee replacements, not four. Oh, there's the party balloons. I got to watch out if I put fingers up or anything. But I had a guy on my football team, on the Giants I won't mention his name, great, great athlete. But he was always making fun of me coming into the locker room and, man, I wanted to give it back to him. And they're joking and they say just kidding and it was just really, just a real problem. And I remember one of these days I was, I came in a locker room and I'm just saying, god, you got to help me with this guy. And so he starts in on me and he's in rare form and all the team is waiting for me to do Kind of.

Speaker 1: 30:38

My nickname was Reverend Ed. You know, watch out, Reverend Ed's getting mad. Now he's going to tear into you, right. And I looked at him. And I looked at this player and I said do you know what I admire about you? And it just shocked everybody. And this was true about what I said about him. I said you know, all the guys that are in practice right now on our team is New York Giants. You go all out on every play because you want to be a champion, because you're a champion, and it makes me a better player to practice against you. And then I looked at the team and I say you know, if we practice like this guy, maybe we'll go to the Super Bowl one day.

Speaker 1: 31:35

And I mean to tell you you could hear a mouse with cotton socks walking across a shag carpeting. It was so quiet and this guy looked they didn't know how to respond to blessing somebody instead of giving them back. And he walks over to me and he says do you really believe what you said? I said I do. Actually he goes man, I'm so sorry for making fun of you. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. You said it in front of the whole team. I believe it. I think you're an amazing man. I just I think you've, I think God's got a lot for you. And I'm going to tell you something we became great friends. And we became great friends because I gave him blessing instead of bitterness. You can do the same thing in your family, and that's why the Scripture says be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, as Christ has also forgiven you.

Speaker 1: 32:48

So where do we go with this beloved? Today? I remember just a really difficult person, another difficult people. That's how you learn about forgiveness. You learn about forgiveness because God puts you in front of somebody who you don't want to forgive the football player. We could just try to take him out in a game and knock them out, but it doesn't work. And then I remember one day, you know, with this person and I'm a pastor and I don't know one of the gifts of being a pastor is being attacked. It's something that Jesus promised all of us that when we're attacked, that we're blessed, and it's not that it feels good, but we have an opportunity to love that person back, the way Christ loved people when he was attacked, and that's powerful. And I remember this person.

Speaker 1: 33:56

I thought they were impossible to forgive and Jesus asked me this question. I talk about it in my book how to Become the Husband or Father your Family Needs, and we have a special offer for everybody that's watching. But I wrote in my book this phrase that hit me one day. And Jesus asked me this question and was praying one morning. He said when I died on the cross, did I die for them too? You go, yeah, of course you did, lord.

Speaker 1: 34:33

And Jesus asked me another question. He said was my blood enough to cover their hurt against you? Have you ever thought that, understood that when Jesus died on the cross, it wasn't just so that your own sins are forgiven. He also died for the sins that would be done to you, so that you could forgive them, just the way he forgives us. That's powerful stuff. Was that blood enough? And his question exposed that place in my heart where I had judged this person. So easy to do in our culture today person it's so easy to do in our culture today. It's always been that way. It's easy to do to feel superior to somebody else and you judge them and you put them down, especially being demonstrated in the political world today. It's crazy, it's craziness, but it's the question exposed that place in my heart where I judged that person, where my emotions were in the prison of unforgiveness and bitterness. Are you in that place now? And of course I said to Jesus of course your blood is enough for them too. So are there people in your life that you're pushing back? Are there relationships with kids?

Speaker 1: 36:10

We're going to continue this series next week and go deeper into the how-tos of being the best mom and dad you can be and how to get the heart back of things you can do with your kids. But at first it starts with you being willing to understand that your primary job, dad and mom, is to build a culture of forgiveness where you're modeling it to one another as a couple. And, by the way, if you're divorced and you're in separate places, it still goes true. If you're not together anymore, you need forgiveness more than ever, because if you are positioning yourself to prove you're the better parent, you're going to destroy your children and they're not going to understand about forgiveness. They're going to understand that it's just not real. You just talk about it. Understand that it's just not real. You just talk about it.

Speaker 1: 37:19

But some of the most powerful healings I've seen in families is people that are divorced start loving one another not that they get back together, but they love one another by forgiving, so that their children don't get bitterness and it destroys their life. Is there an ex or is there a child that you need to go to or that's hurt you? You know, be the first one to initiate. Initiate by asking is there something that I have done? Initiate by asking is there something that I have done? And what it does is it puts them in a place where they get to respond. You don't take their voice away and I want to pray for you and I have a special offer for you, but put you know, kind of open your hands right now and just who are the people that you need to go to. Maybe in your family, or maybe you've got friends. You can make a list, you can connect with them or you've just you're still angry by what they've done.

Speaker 1: 38:29

Forgiveness isn't saying what they did is okay. Forgiveness is basically it's the most powerful way you as a human being can be like God, and that is to give mercy to somebody who deserves judgment. And you do that by forgiving them. They don't get off the hook. They have to face God for what they did.

Speaker 1: 39:00

But somebody described bitterness as making a poison to kill somebody else. And bitterness teaches you to drink a little bit of it every single day and it ends up killing you. A little bit of it every single day and it ends up killing you. And, boy, I had to learn this and when I did, it started to change my family and it's one of the glues that keeps us together. You know why? Because I still hurt my kids, I still hurt friends. I still got to ask for forgiveness. I still hurt my wife, but we're quick to do it. Matter of fact, the Bible says don't let the sun go down on your wrath.

Speaker 1: 39:48

So do you have somebody you need to forgive? I'm going to pray with you right now, father. I ask you to bless my friend who's watching with you right now, father, I ask you to bless my friend who's watching and whoever you see in your hands or you're thinking about in your mind. I want you just to say, lord, I'm going to go and do my best to make it right and ask for forgiveness, even if they're the ones who caused all the pain, because most children, most children, they don't have the capacity to come back and ask for forgiveness. They need a model.

Speaker 1: 40:26

So, father, I pray that you would heal every relationship of people that are watching and you would restore them. In the name of Jesus, I pray for those that are waiting to go to heaven, that they wouldn't wait another day rehearsing the same old story. That's what bitterness does you rehearse the old movie over and over again, or you try to get rid of it, you try to smoke it out of your life, you try to drink it out of your life, distract yourself, but it's still there. And so, father, just give whatever those things are to Him. That's the first step. Lord, show me who I need to forgive. And second is Lord, forgive me for not going to them and helping them learn about forgiveness that You've given me and restore my family. Lord, I pray for every child that's doing this to their mom and dad or grandma or grandpa. I pray in the name of Jesus. You would heal their families. Heal them, father, in the name of Jesus, right now. And all God's people said Amen.

Speaker 1: 41:51

Well, let me know in the comments. Send me a letter. Would love to hear from you If you don't know about it. Next step for you is a guy or a gal. I wrote a book called how to Become the Husband and Father of your Family. It's actually my fifth book. I have many more, but this one talks about really learning how to build this into your family, and you can scan this now and you get free access to my course how to Become the Husband or Father your Family Needs. It will really help you. And this is for gals too. I've wrote it to men instead of saying couples, guys won't read that. Guys will read a book written to a man, but girls understand you know how much their husbands need help and encouragement. You can scan there for free access. You can scan there for free access. And if you want a real solution, guys, I have a coaching program and it's for gals as well. If you need private coaching, I would be honored. You go to thefatherdifferencecom. Thefatherdifferencecom that's our ministry name and you can be a part of that.

Speaker 1: 43:16

Remember my friends it's never too late for you to have a new beginning. I'm so grateful you hung with me tonight as we're sending this out. Share this with your friends. If you're in a place, and this is blessing you, would you support us? We run on the generosity of people like you who say thanks for helping me, and I just want to give a shout out to my auntie, barbara Love you so much, and then that my different family members back east and my friends that are online Remember my friends. It's never too late for God to do a miracle in your life, and he did one of mine, and I am so grateful to share this with you. Lord bless you. Be with you there's Blair. Love you, blair. You are just such a fine father and husband, and the Lord bless you as well. We'll talk to you soon. See you next week, same time, 5 pm, pacific Standard Time. As we deal with all things family here and with men, fathers, husbands, wives, god bless you. Have an awesome night and I'll be praying for you.