Earning Your Child's Heart: A Father's Guide to Trust

Trust is the foundation of effective parenting, and learning how to earn and restore it with your children transforms your family dynamics for generations to come. We explore practical, biblical approaches to building trust through gentleness and connection rather than rigid authority.

• Fathers must avoid exasperating their children through overly harsh or inflexible parenting approaches
• Correcting children with gentleness creates space for true repentance and learning, just as God's goodness leads us to repentance
• The Fourth Commandment reminds us that the parent-child relationship carries "special distinction" in God's design
• Parents hold more spiritual authority and influence than any pastor, teacher, or government figure
• Building trust requires modeling authentic faith, not just teaching rules
• Children need to learn how to hear God for themselves through direct engagement with Scripture
• Disciplining children should set them up for success with God, not just enforce compliance
• The power of blessing your children with your words can transform their identity and future
• Even broken relationships between parents and children can be restored - it's never too late

Visit www.thefatherdifference.com/links for a free book download and information about personal coaching.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to The Father Difference
• 1:27 Don't Exasperate Your Children
• 5:14 Correct with Gentleness
• 10:04 Honor Your Father and Mother
• 19:30 Four Keys to Earning Trust
• 30:34 The Power of a Father's Blessing
• 34:20 Upcoming Events and Resources
• 39:10 Closing Prayer and Final Thoughts

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:05

Hey, well, hi, here I am your host, ed Tanney-McGlasson, and we have something really special today to talk to, kind of far away from you, and you want to learn about how to earn and restore trust with your children. That's one of the topics that's kind of out there today, and being really good at doing that is really key for how do you parent and how you earn, how do you restore trust, and so we're going to talk about today and so I'm so grateful that you're here. Make sure that you post a comment and let us know where you're coming from. I'm Ed Tame McGrathson. I've been a pastor for many years and now I spend all my time encouraging men and women how to build a family around the blessing of the Father, and so welcome to the Father Difference a broadcast live broadcast today. So we're going to talk about a Father's Guide to Earning and Restoring Trust. So let's get right into it.

Speaker 1: 1:27

Remember we've been learning these last week about watch out that what Bitterness takes root among you. As it springs up, it causes deep trouble, hurting many in their spiritual lives. Now, I don't know about you, but bitterness is a family killer. Once you get it in your family and you don't deal with it quickly. It kind of takes over, kind of like a garden. The last few weeks I've been for Mother's Day planting flowers yes, yours truly is planting flowers for my wife digging out in her garden, getting roots out of things that are growing there that I don't know where they came from Maybe a bird dropped them in there and who knows? My theory is the leaf blowers you know from our dear ones who do our gardening blows them all over the place. We talked about that last week. Make sure you check out some of the keys that we talked about last week in the live on Facebook, instagram, youtube and X. So today we're talking about how to earn a trust with your kids.

Speaker 1: 2:48

Well, here's the first thing. Here's one of the scriptures that the Bible talks about, and it says that fathers do not exasperate your children. Instead, bring them up in the training and the instruction of the Lord. Do not exasperate your children. Think about the times and your reactions with your kids. I don't know about you.

Speaker 1: 3:21

I had a stepdad who's in the military and he had this hobby I think of irritating all of us was if we didn't make our beds right and they were in four-corner military style. Now, when you're 5, 6, 7, 10 years old, you wake up in the morning, you know you can barely even function. I watched my grandkids wake up. They don't wake up to make their beds, but he was trying to teach us some discipline and you know, at those times he would go in and if our bed wasn't made right he would actually flip kind of a nickel or a quarter. If it didn't bounce because the sheets were tight, then the result of that was, you know, we would have to remake the bed all over again.

Speaker 1: 4:10

But there's a way that you can. You know in your own life when you're fathering you're pushing your kids so hard you're driving them away. You ever had those moments when you're talking to your kids and they're giving you the whatever face or the whatever hand, and so part of this we're going to talk a little bit about how to get into the community with your children to where you're a trusted fellow, kind of like they talk about in university. Somebody become a trusted fellow is that you're somebody to listen to and I don't know about you. That's exactly what I want to be with my children, because it's just so crucial for them in their own story that they're not, you know, mad at me, and then they'll live in a crazy life, or mad at you for the way you're kind of treating them. And so the Bible says do not exasperate your children, and we're going to talk about how to do that. It also says you know Timothy talks about when you're actually correcting somebody, you do it with gentleness. You do it with gentleness, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth, leading to the knowledge of the truth.

Speaker 1: 5:50

Have you ever caught your kids doing something and you know you weren't gentle and so lesson wasn't learned. They just got scolded or disciplined and it was like my way or the highway, and you know they didn't learn the lesson and you thought you were, you know, doing the best that you could. The problem is there wasn't understanding on their part, and when you get harsh with them, they're like they're going to resist you at every corner. Moments in my family Came home from work one day and my wife's got that face like somebody's in trouble. Guys, you ever seen that? Look. And you're like I hope it's not me. And then when you find out it's one of the kids, you're like okay, great. And so I said what's going on?

Speaker 1: 6:43

He goes, go out into the garage and watch what your son Lucas is doing. And so I went out into the garage and there was already some smoke in the house. I went out there and there was smoke and he discovered my heat gun. And that heat gun he learned that if you turn it on and I use it to shrink wrap cables for our studio that if you put it really close to the carpet it fuses all the carpet fibers together. And he was writing his name L-U-K-A. He was starting to guess when I walked in and you could tell he knew he was in trouble. I didn't actually have to scold him. He knew that he was in trouble for what he was doing with the heat gun there. And he looks at me with oh, I'm going to get it now to. Hey, lucas, you didn't finish the S. And he's holding it.

Speaker 1: 7:54

And he finishes the S and we open the garage door, smoke's everywhere, air it out and walk over to him and I said son, did you learn anything? And he's looking at me thinking it's a trick question, because he's going to get disciplined. And he goes uh-huh. And I said what did you learn? I probably shouldn't have done that to the carpet. Why? Because I probably should have asked for permission and I just you know, I had this moment where you want to, you want to kind of drill them with it so it doesn't happen again.

Speaker 1: 8:44

As I was a young parent, I you know, and even you know, as a young man with the Lord, how many times just thinking, did God drill me when I had it wrong? He looks at me and said, dad, I'm sorry, would you forgive me? And he wasn't saying it just to get out of trouble, he was saying it because he realized what he did. And I said I wanted to see if it was real. So I said so go back in and talk to your mom and tell her what you did and that you asked for forgiveness. And he goes do I have to? And I said absolutely, you can look at me, man to man, but you got to go to mom and she's going to probably let you have it, but you need to tell her. And I heard him in the other room.

Speaker 1: 9:39

And that was an incredible lesson, because the reason why the Bible says when you're correcting even your opponents or anybody else, you do it with gentleness, and the reason why you do it with gentleness is because isn't that the way God dealt with you? I mean, when you're in that place, when you're finally confessing where you're broken and you know that you're wrong with God and you finally come to Him and say Lord, forgive me, think about the way God responds to you. Does he rub your nose in it? No, it says in Romans that it's the goodness of God that leads us to repentance. It's not that he overlooks what we do when we sin and we blow it and we blow it. But when Jesus died on the cross, he poured out every bit of His wrath on His Son so that one day, when we'd come to Him, those things have already been in a real way pre-forgiven, but they require our humility of coming and saying Lord, would you forgive me? Because that moment that you want to have with your kids, even the way you correct them, it's just absolutely essential in helping them discover what it's like to follow God. You're sort of the model dad and mom, you know. Someone once said that a father is kind of the first image of who God might be to a child. And so the way that you model that, the way you, you know, approach them when they're in the most broken place. It's astounding.

Speaker 1: 11:49

I had a dear friend, incredible preacher, Dave Parker, came and preached at our church on Sunday at Haven Lane and he was talking about, you know, this whole idea of gentleness. And because we're gentle, because we realize that any repentance that we have as a human being was a gift that God gave us, where all of a sudden the light bulb goes off and we own what we've done wrong and we come to God, and so we did. As part of the culture of his church is that they don't just, you know, when people are walking in the door, if they look weird or bizarre or tattoos, or they're hung over or they're broken, they don't point out what's obvious, they love them. They give them a place for God to come into their life and convict them. He said this woman came up and she was kind of fit to be tied. She says you know I sat down, I brought my you know grandchild here and right next to me a woman comes in hardly any clothes on, scantily dressed. She's probably a prostitute. And you know she came and sat right next to me and my grandson.

Speaker 1: 13:23

I mean, could you start create some rules for these kind of people if they're going to come into our church and Dave looks at her and he says well then, if I do that, you know for them. Where do the rules stop for them? Where do the rules stop? I mean, think about when you came to Christ, that Jesus had a rule that you had to clean yourself up first before you received His forgiveness. Because if I do that to this girl who took a chance to come into our church, which is a very big church, and sit right in the middle in the front of the church where everybody's looking at her and gawking at her, if I put a rule out there that you have to come in dressed a certain way when you're broken, then she'll never come back. She might never meet Christ that way.

Speaker 1: 14:26

See, it's gentleness. That's the fruit of a heart, of a mom or dad that you have because of all Christ has done for you. And one of the ways to stay gentle with your kids is just to think about all the things that God's forgiven you for and how gracious he was with you when you had a bad day. Don't ever lose that beloved. You know, one of the reasons why we do this is that you know of the Fourth Commandment. You know what the Fourth Commandment is Honor your father and mother, that it might go well with you in the land, that it might go well with you in the land.

Speaker 1: 15:11

And we have a culture of young people today that in a lot of ways, the way we've mishandled the love and grace of God by being superior in the church to people that are broken, pointing out the obvious weakness in their life, pointing out the obvious weakness in their life, it's kind of like the woman coming out of a service, you know, and she goes and she sees a drunk and he's got one leg on the curb and one leg in the gutter and he's kind of walking down the road and the woman goes over and says excuse me, sir, but you're a drunk. And he looks down at his feet and he looks at her and says, well, praise the Lord, I thought I had a short leg. You know it takes no grace and love to point out if somebody was broken. You know it takes no grace and love to point out if somebody was broken, but it takes great faith when you're gentle, to go love somebody when they're just as broken as you were when you met Christ. It's just a way to think so.

Speaker 1: 16:24

The fourth commandment for our kids is to honor your father and mother so they might go well with you in the land. A friend of mine, alfred Espinosa just an incredible Lutheran pastor, incredible teacher. He wrote a book called Faith that Shines in the Culture and he writes these words. The fourth commandment is the first and the greatest Among the Ten Commandments. Luther wrote to the position of fatherhood and motherhood. God has given us special distinction above all positions that are beneath it. He does not simply command us to love our parents, but to honor them. See, when your children honor you as a mom and a dad, the Bible's promise is that it might go well with them, they might have success and gain favor in the land. Yet we have generations of kids right now that are just you know, of kids right now that are, just you know, against their parents and sideways, sometimes many times, because of the way we've parented them.

Speaker 1: 17:44

But before I get off of this slide, do you see there that God has given a special distinction above all the positions on the earth? The most powerful people on the earth that God has blessed with the highest position aren't government people, aren't pastors, but the first and foremost people in God's mind and blessing are moms and dads. Moms and dads. It doesn't say honor your pastor that it might go well with you, or honor the government that it might go well with you. Honor your fathers and your mothers. That means your role as a father and a mother is incredibly important, incredibly powerful In a day when so many young people don't even understand this. You know, it's the one commandment that comes with an incredible promise For children.

Speaker 1: 18:47

When I meet young people and talk to them about honoring their father and their mother, most of them think this right. So when a child honors her parents, she's honoring God, because if God established moms and dads first and your children honor you, then they get a blessing from God. But when she dishonors her parents, espinoza writes, she dishonors God. I mean, think about that. I mean that's incredibly. You know, powerful for a young person when she does that. So how do you earn and restore trust with somebody? You've got to be the model of the life lived in Christ. You've got to be a model or your children aren't going to follow you. You can't be. You know this is what the Bible says. Here's the rules. See, they're looking for an incarnational life to follow that they really believe.

Speaker 1: 19:53

I remember doing a youth event a number of years ago and they've been preached at their whole life and this room was filled with, you know, about 250 young people in Iowa and I had prepared a sermon and I was going to just rally them and get them fired up. It's just incredible to preach at youth events. I love them and I, you know, and when I stood there and I looked at them, I realized that they were really hurting. I realized that they were really hurting and I could have just, you know, preached a fire and brimstone message to get them to try to change their life. And I said God, what do I do? He said why don't you ask them what their questions are? So I sat down on a stool, I got off the stage and I said okay, if you could ask Jesus a question right now, what would it be?

Speaker 1: 20:55

And without hesitation, a girl about three-quarters in the back raises her hand and says is Jesus for real? I said what do you mean? I'd say what do you mean? He says you know, my mom and dad, you know, had me in church every single time the church was open. They had home group Bible studies. But when the church people weren't around, they fought like cats and dogs and they just told, told me, they're getting divorced. So if Jesus is really real, how come my parents didn't live the life? That's why it's so powerful, moms and dads, when you love one another. And I looked at her and I said, yes, he's for real. But sometimes people are really broken and they don't know how to forgive and they don't know how to build a culture of forgiveness. So bitterness doesn't own them. And so I prayed for this gal with this incredible question, incredibly brave, not realizing in this big church, in the back up, in the upper bleachers, their mom and dad had slipped in on opposite corners of the back and heard their daughter say this about them and they wept, and that mom and dad came down at the end and asked for forgiveness and I believe that God healed their marriage. And what a testimony for that girl. So you've got to be the model, because you won't have credibility with your kids if you don't live the life. And that's not saying you have to be perfect, but it does say that you've got to be willing to even repent to show them the way when you blow it.

Speaker 1: 23:03

Here's the second thing You've got to teach them how to hear God for themselves. How to hear God for themselves. You know we spend so much time trying to get our kids to live by the rules that we don't connect them to the rule giver. And one of the ways you can do that in building a culture is that you know, you as a father and as a mother. You know when's the last time you sat down and read the Bible with your kids. Instead of telling them what it means, ask them what it means to them. You know if you rely on the church to teach the Bible to your children, you're missing out in the most powerful way the Word of God is supposed to be taught.

Speaker 1: 24:00

Remember I said earlier that the highest institution of God on earth is not preachers and evangelists and church people. It's not government people which are way under the spiritual leaders. It's moms and dads. You carry an authority and a power in your voice and who you are and the way you model that to your children, you have way more anointing and way more power than any Sunday school teacher or any preacher would ever have. Do you hear me? You and Christ Incredible.

Speaker 1: 24:41

So you've got to teach them how to hear God by connecting them with Scripture. And every time you do that, every time you connect them with Scripture here's the caveat. It's to say, hey, does this mean anything to you? They might go, no, it's nothing. But don't use an opportunity to preach to your kids. Use an opportunity to see what the Father's doing and see if they're paying attention to the Bible. It's incredible, even with your grandkids. You know my grandkids are just extraordinary. They're around their moms and dads who love Jesus and so grateful and watching what God's doing in their life. And, boy, they're quick to come up to me and ask me what God's saying to me. Sometimes it's powerful stuff.

Speaker 1: 25:36

Here's the third thing I want to share with you is set them up for success with God in the way you discipline them with God and the way you discipline them. You know the Bible doesn't call us to punish our kids, to discipline them. And there's times where you've got to draw the line. But remember earlier I was talking about the way that you confront them will determine whether or not they run away from God or not. And when you get angry and you want to just kind of, you know, drill them, for you know what they've done in their life. I can't believe you did that you ever say those things I have. That's not being a McGlashan. I mean, I use those very words Like the McGlashan genealogy pool has anything on any other pool.

Speaker 1: 26:39

The only reason that I'm in Christ is not because I found Him, because I was looking for Him. I wasn't looking for Him. I was broken, I was a mess. And he came and found me and started loving me and he revealed himself to me. He granted me repentance. You see, when God grants repentance, it makes you grateful. So if you just remember how Christ came in your life, create that same environment with your children, even when they're broken, because there's times when you've got to say no, I've got to let you know. This is what the Bible says. What do you think it means to you? See, you'd be surprised how your children learn if you give them space to hear God for themselves, instead of just say that's evil, that's wicked. That won't happen. Well, if we don't ever train them how to discern good and evil, like Paul talks about themselves, you're not going to be with them in school, You're not going to be sitting around in their classroom. You've got to give them skills so they can handle all the craziness that's coming their way, because something profound happens when that happens.

Speaker 1: 28:01

I remember, you know, one of those moments. My daughter, jessica had a UCLA and she was in an evolutionary biology class. She was in pre-med program and the lecturer gets up and the teacher of the day says if you're one of these born-again Christians I got to let you know you're going to automatically fail my class and Jessica was sitting in a group and I think there was 200 students in this big class and she raised her hand and stands up and she says are you so insecure as a teacher that you're unwilling to hear about Christ and that God made the earth in a short amount of time? And the whole class is like whoa. And this professor, who's been notorious, meets a real fire-breathing, on-fire Christian woman my daughter Jessica and he goes okay, fine, then we're going to debate. I'm going to use you as an example. She goes fine, I'm going to debate you. And he probably wished he never did that, but she didn't get an A in the course, but she witnessed for Jesus. So proud of her. Because when we teach our kids how to stand up for themselves and they know God's Word, it changes the game for them.

Speaker 1: 29:50

Here's for me, the final step, and I'm just going to end with this story. And so we've learned a couple of things tonight about story. And so we've learned a couple of things tonight about you know how to you know help your kids to be a model that they can live in, to teach them how to hear God set them up for success in the way you discipline them. And finally, the last one is to bless them with your words. Now I want to end with a story, a really short verse in the Bible, a longer story, just to kind of end our time tonight. And is you know this incredible story of a dad who you know, jacob, has this incredible encounter with God and God ends up changing his name and he changes his name to Israel, which means father of many nations, but he's away from his wife and she's giving birth. It says here, and she's giving birth. It says here, and as her soul was departing because the father wasn't there, she names her son Ben-Oni, which means son of my sorrow, but his father, who God had just blessed him and changed his name, called him. Think about this Benjamin, which means son of my right hand. You have that capacity in your dad to speak that kind of blessing into your children.

Speaker 1: 31:48

Because, as I said earlier, the highest office in the land in God's kingdom is not preacher, evangelist, church people, it's moms and dads. You carry an authority that's been given you by God. That's actually higher than any other office. It's higher than the church and the church is higher than the government, but it's all connected together. Family is number one priority. Church is connected with family, brings life and community, and government's supposed to be, you know, in tow with the family. The church, the government is to serve. So the church is free to do what God wants them to do. It's not quite the way it is today to do what God wants them to do. It's not quite the way it is today.

Speaker 1: 32:44

But here is a guy named Jacob, whose God has changed his name to Israel, comes upon a son whose name is Son of Mysoreh. Because of what God did inside of him, he changed that boy's name to Benjamin, son of my right hand, and the tribe of Benjamites were born out of Benjamin. He and one of the 12 tribes of Israel and, by the way, nobody messed with the Benjamites in history from that day on. The words of a man who became blessed and a father of many nations was given authority by God's blessing to bless his children. Your kids might be in a place where they're living the life of sorrow. Maybe you're a single mom you're watching. You're a dad, you're watching your kids are separated from you and you're convinced that you've been counted out. I got to tell you you are never going to be counted out, because there's nothing more important and more powerful than you rising up and really using your voice to bless your children and to speak into them the things that God shows you about them. Son of my right hand, amazing.

Speaker 1: 34:14

Hey, a couple of things coming up I wanted just to let you know about and then we want to pray at the end. Shoot your prayer requests. We have a special event coming up. A couple of them and that's the superpower of dads is Father's Day breakfast. If you're in Southern California, I want you to be invited. It's a Harbor Light Church. We're going to have registration. It's going to be opened here at the end of the week. You've got to save your seat and breakfast has already been paid for.

Speaker 1: 34:47

On Father's Day weekend, you're going to be in and out of there only four hours, but we're going to talk about those superpowers that God has given you to change your family. You don't want to miss that. Well, we also have, if you've not. No, I got one other thing. Just another event is coming up and we would love to invite you to in Palm Springs, in Palm Desert, and it's the Father difference. It's right on the screen there. And it's the Father difference. It's right on the screen there, may 31st to June 1st how God's Blessing Changes Everything. And if you want to be a part of that, I want to tell you that is going to be a powerful, powerful event there in Palm Springs and that's coming up real soon, in a week and a half, may 31st to June 1st and there, I'd love to have you there. And there's going to be a special dinner on Saturday night, and I hear it just out of this world. So make sure you come.

Speaker 1: 35:59

And if you're new to our ministry and you'd like to know more, not only do we have the superpower of dads, I have an online father difference course. It's around the book how to Become the Husband or Father your Family Needs, and there's a special code, access code. I would be honored if you shared that with your man in your life. If you're a gal or you're a friend and you would like to learn some of the things that maybe your dad didn't really show you how to be a man, how to be a father, how to be a husband this book will teach you how to connect to the father that way. Not only that, it'll give you some of the fixes we talked about tonight and gaining the heart of your children. And so, last but not least, we want if you've not gotten a copy of the Difference a Father Makes, you can go to our website there and sign up. That's also a gift to you.

Speaker 1: 37:05

And all that to say, let's pray. So if you want to throw some of your prayer requests in the chat, I'd love to see those, and those are just for my eyes only, but I'd love to pray for you. How many of you want to really reestablish things with your kids? Well, we've talked about in the last couple of weeks how to break through bitterness between you and your children, and so I want to encourage you to go back and look at those live events that we have on Facebook, instagram, tiktok, etc. Or X, excuse me, and a couple more I'm probably forgetting those and learn about that.

Speaker 1: 37:52

But, you know, think through this whole process about you know, really capturing the heart of your children and keeping it for a lifetime. We're going to learn more about that next week, because there's nothing more important for you and for me than to be a trusted fellow with your children for the rest of their life, and I really believe that God's called you to be a father and then a grandfather. But you're going to be a father for the rest of your days and a mother for the rest of your days and you'll get access to the children your children to the level that they really trust you. And the more you put these things I talked about tonight in place—I'm going to talk some more next week about some other things to add it really had a restore and earn trust with your children. God will do some things with you.

Speaker 1: 38:55

So let me pray for you right now. Father, I thank you for my friends that are watching. I thank you for those who are going to tune in later and I ask you to bless them. I ask you to speak to them, lord, tonight, and to do a miracle between them and their children and to build such a trust and participation together that their kids want them to be a father and be around for the rest of their days, invited to everything every baseball game, ballerina, everything that the kids do and the grandkids do. But, lord that restore relationship with children that have been amiss. I pray for miracles between them and their kids, lord, even if it's been years, I pray, lord, that you would restore that.

Speaker 1: 39:56

In the name of Jesus, father, go in and heal what many have been convinced that is too late. It's never too late when Jesus shows up on the scene and all God's people said Amen, bless Him. Lord, in the name of Jesus, amen, well, bless you. Thank you for tuning in tonight. Also, if you're in a place where you need some coaching, you can go to my website at thefatherdifferencecom and I do coaching and I would love to help out. You can visit there at thefatherdifferencecom and sign up and the first session is free. We'll just see if we work together, if that's something that works out for you. It'd be an honor to serve you and your family. Remember, it's never too late, my friend, to be the father or the mother that your children really need you to be. God bless you. Memorial Day is coming up. Have an incredible time with your family. We'll talk to you soon. God bless you.