The Father Difference: Building Your Child's True North

We explore the critical difference between measuring children by their performance versus celebrating who they're becoming as people. This profound shift transforms how children see themselves and creates hunger for God in their own lives.

• The deepest question children silently ask: "What does my dad/mom really think about me?"
• How praising only achievements can trap children in a performance mindset
• Breaking free from the generational pattern of conditional approval
• The power of modeling authentic faith rather than just teaching rules
• Practical ways to communicate what you genuinely admire about your children
• How experiencing God as your Father transforms your own parenting
• Creating a relationship where your children become hungry for God, too

Visit www.thefatherdifference.com/links for a free book download and information about personal coaching.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome and Introduction
• 5:45 Breaking the Performance Trap
• 14:25 What Your Kids Believe About You
• 18:20 Celebrating Who Your Children Are
• 25:18 Being Fathered by God
• 30:45 Resources and Father's Day Invitation
• 34:25 Closing Prayer and Call to Action

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:05

Hey, well, welcome. It's good to be with you today. This is June the 4th. No matter where you're watching today, I'm really excited about sharing a little bit, about learning how to really be the father you need to be If you're a mom, the mom you need to be right now to really help you guide your kids into the future that God really wants for them. And so sign in and let me know in the comments where you're signing in from, excited about sharing with you and all the feedback that I've been getting from you on Facebook, instagram, x, all the platforms Because in this time, there's probably nothing more important for you and I than to really have the heart of our children.

Speaker 1: 1:07

In a time when there's so much stuff going on, it's really easy for us to blame the culture for the mistakes and for the craziness of our kids, instead of understanding that God's got something incredibly powerful from you as a mom or a dad that can make all the difference in the world for your children. So, if you're with me, log on and sign in on one of the platforms. I'm really excited about interacting with you, excited about interacting with you and also send your questions to us at thefatherdifferencecom Things that you really need help with as a dad in the life of our kids, and do my kids actually even want that to happen, especially in a day with so much craziness going on? Well, let me just read a quote for you I shared with you back a few months ago. That's so true, and one writer puts it the deepest search in life has seemed to me the thing, in one way or another, that was central to all living was man's search to find a father, not merely a father of his flesh, not merely the lost father of his youth, but the image and the strength external to his need, superior to his hunger, to which the belief and power of his life could be united. And I'm checking in. I'm getting responses now through my phone, and so welcome if you're watching now and with your questions.

Speaker 1: 3:20

And why is that so important? Well, guess what, if we have that same need in us to know from our dads what he thinks about us, how much more does your children need that Now you might be in proximity to them and they're really going through a hard time. Or you're now a grandma or a grandpa that are actually fathering your children's children and they're stuck in the world and you want to help guide them into a place where they encounter God for themselves. Because the whole secret of being a mom and a dad isn't in the techniques that you use. It's in your ability to make your children hungry for God too. See, when you create that in them, it changes everything for you, and that's a powerful thing indeed. It's a really, really powerful thing, because at the end of the day, your kids are going to be hungry for God, just the way you are. So they're watching you. Every time you open your Bible, every time you go to church, take them to church, every time you worship, every time you raise your hands and praise God, every time you raise your hands and praise God every time you fail and you go back and ask for forgiveness, then watching you dealing with God is a living education. It's a textbook for them to how to do life. Why is that so important? Because when we don't live our faith in front of our children, they won't believe it. Now let me help you with something. Here's one of the questions that comes.

Speaker 1: 5:21

Well, my kids don't remember doing a television interview and one of the questions that came in from the viewer was well, my children don't listen to me. I said well, what are you trying to do? Well, I'm trying to build a Christian home, great. And so what happens? He says well, I try to give them the rules to life on how they can live a better life, but they don't want to hear anything from me, and so I asked him. I said well, what do your kids believe that you think about them? So think about that.

Speaker 1: 6:01

Question yourself what do your children really believe that you think about them? Do they believe that you think that they are extraordinary when you're around your friends? Do they feel left out or included in? Do you introduce them and brag on your children other than what they do in the athletic field, but the man or woman that they're becoming? There's a little nuance there.

Speaker 1: 6:34

Something that I've learned with my children is I can brag all day about how great of a hitter my son is in baseball or how good of a golfer he is. That'll get some kudos from my friends and almost like a one-upmanship that happens between dads. But really, what matters to your children is what you really believe about them, because it's translated to them all week, long before they're in front of people or they're in church, I have dads who come up to me at events introducing their son and the first thing they talk about is oh yeah, my son is amazing, he's brilliant, he's cum laude, he's top of his class, he's going to go to this school, he's going to do that school and see, without meaning to, you're setting your children up for a performance nightmare because they think that your opinion about them is just related to what they do, their output. And so if you're only proud of those achievements that they do and all those are important that you recognize and you're at the, you're at the ballets, you're at the, you know the drama things, you're at the art class, you're at the football field, you're at the baseball field, and so if the only conversation that's around them is about their performance, without meaning to, you're going to kind of lock them into this performance trap that many of us get into to, where we feel like we're fulfilling our purposes, when we are hitting on all cylinders, we're not making mistakes and we're achieving our goals. We're hitting our financial goals, we're hitting this, we're hitting that, but how do you treat your own heart when you're not hitting all those things? That's the real life of your children. Hitting all those things. That's the real life of your children. Because as soon as they go to public school or as soon as they are out there in a workplace, they're comparing themselves to everybody else and most all of the world. Kids are comparing themselves to other people with those kind of output dimensions of how much you're making, kind of jobs, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, instead of the kind of person they are. Because what's really important to your children is not so much that they've just knocked it out of the ballpark, but what does my dad really think about me At the end of the day, when they think about who they are and who backs them up, what goes through their head? They are and who backs them up, what goes through their head. It's a profound thing when you learn that as a dad, I know for me.

Speaker 1: 9:50

I spent so many years measuring my kids by their performance on the athletic field. And why did I do that? Because that's how I was measured. I was introduced as this great football player to my friends. Even my stepdad introduced me. The only father I knew and you know that was. I knew that if I was a winner, then Ed McGlashan was somebody, but if I was a loser or didn't play well, I tell you, it was a different house after the game.

Speaker 1: 10:27

There was these times where I just I didn't love at all who God made me to be. I didn't know, because I couldn't sort of keep up. Maybe your kids are struggling and you know, I had a dear friend who is in heaven, jeannie Anderson, who when she was in high school she was just super smart and she you know was. She said I remember the day when I came home with my report card and I was really proud of it. I got four A's and one B and I remember showing it to my dad and just waiting for his applause, because he didn't give much applause. He was always, no matter what I did, he was like you could do better and so there was no trophy that I ever got from my dad. I never felt like I ever arrived Maybe you feel that way and he looked at my report card and went A good, a great Great math, a in history, great A in arts and visual media, great B in science. And he puts his head down and he looks up and he says to her what's wrong with you? You could do better. And she was crushed. I mean, she was so crushed that that one little it was kind of the you know, the cap on a lifetime of never getting any accolade from her dad at all. And she said to me she said I made a decision. Well, if that's the best that I could do and that's all I get from my dad, why try anymore? And she skipped out, started traveling the world and going crazy. And she skipped out, started traveling the world and going crazy.

Speaker 1: 12:40

Years later came to Christ in a profound way, entered her amazing race, ministering to the poor in women's prisons, leading people to Christ everywhere. Who got stuck in the performance trap. Are you stuck in a performance trap yourself? Have you stuck your kids in a performance trap? I'm going to tell you that trap is deadly for their personality, because not that we shouldn't strive to be the best we can be, but when we're stuck in that place, guess what? We never get to do, we never get to rest, we never feel like we arrive, and one of the most deadly parts of that is we never, we never feel like we'll ever be loved unless we get it right. That's where most of us live and there's only one escape from that and that's discovering what God really thinks about you and that's the way out of that. So how to really guide your kids into fulfilling that purpose for them.

Speaker 1: 14:02

Well, you know the Bible talks about and I, you know, kind of shared this a couple of times. I just want to remind you that his plan all along was to restore, you know, fatherhood on earth in a profound way, that who's going to send Elijah's prophet before the great and awesome day of the Lord comes, to turn the hearts of fathers back to their children? This is essentially what happened to me. I didn't realize that the bulk of my heart was on myself, because I had spent so much of my life trying to perform and every audience around me was. You know, there were some that thought I was doing great, and yet there's some who are saying you missed it by that much. And guess which audience I listen to? Probably the one you listen to too are the detractors. Or or especially your dad, who didn't celebrate you much.

Speaker 1: 15:14

And here's something about fathers, and that is our fathers start out their story with us, by the way their own dads did, and it's almost it comes as kind of an automatic that if their dads weren't there to bless and be in the life of their children. Guess what happens to us? We don't either, and it's a painful thing to live a life and never feel like you get the nod from your dad towards you, but see, what God does is he comes to turn our hearts, because there's something that happens in your children when they really think that you believe in them, and so you're saying. One of the questions here is well then, how do I communicate with my children? Well, you find things that's unique in their personality that you admire, and you just tell them about it.

Speaker 1: 16:27

Now, think about your children right now. Think about the things that they do that you've seen, that just impress you, because they might have a gift that's so much greater than you. You know each one of my children Edward, jessica, mary, lucas, josh they're all awesome. And my other children, I've added, through marriage. Their spouses are just equally as profound in their gifting, and I'm closest to my children when I'm celebrating what I see in them that I admire.

Speaker 1: 17:12

You know, I think about my oldest son and his incredible integrity. He's a man of incredible integrity. He's the kind of person that, even as a young man, my friends, my peers, you know, saw that this young man was somebody to be reckoned with because of his incredible heart for integrity, and if he made a promise he'd fulfill. The other thing about him that I love so much is in that how much he loves God's Word and studies it and lets it form those things inside of him. He's tender and lets it form those things inside of him. He's tender and if you see them on Facebook or Instagram their feed you know he's an incredible dad. He's got three daughters. He just he blows me away. He started out so young, being a great dad. I didn't even get into the fathering game until I was 40 myself.

Speaker 1: 18:23

And I think about Jessica and the fire she has, her passion for doing everything to the nth degree. She's always poured out. I just love that about her, the way she worships. She's an incredible worship leader. But it's not in her ability to just play the piano and sing, which is just beautiful. She just loves to worship God and it's just infectious and it makes me want to worship even more in my own life.

Speaker 1: 19:02

And Mary, my sweetheart, who lives in Switzerland, to give you a few examples of what I'm talking about you know she's beautiful through and through, like her sister. Beautiful through and through, like her sister. But she just has this incredible ability to love people and to pray for people and because, at the core of her being, she doesn't like walking away from somebody who's broken. Whether they're poor and have little or nothing, or they're wealthy, it doesn't matter to her. She's this person who's just always present. And she's an amazing mama to my grandkids, loves her man, like Jessica loves her man. They're just incredible. I miss them. They're far away in Switzerland, but she's just so curious about God. When we talk on the phone she asks me questions, she checks in with me. I just love that About that. I love you, mary, if you ever saw this and Lucas Lucas is one of the most fun people I've ever met in my life He'll make you laugh.

Speaker 1: 20:23

He's just not afraid of any adventure. He's living in Tennessee now, driving a tractor on his farm with his kids and, just you know, loving his wife, and he's just not afraid to trust God and jump into the adventure that God has for them. And he's great at doing business, he's great at doing life, he's great at doing all those things. But what matters to me most is that he seeks God and trusts Him and steps into the adventure. No fear, gosh. I love that. There's just no fear in him because he's learned to trust in the outcomes of the Lord. And I want to be more like that. See the things that you admire in your children, when you tell them and want to be more like them and learn from them. Boy, that makes you a powerful dad.

Speaker 1: 21:17

And, josh, you know, last but not least, you know the kid that would call us from church and go. Hey, by the way, you have another child at church and he would go play and have an adventure and we'd leave and forget him and we'd have to go back when he was little to find him and he would just sit there and go. Great, I felt like an abandoned child. But Josh, he is this fearless warrior in trusting God and moving towards dreams in his life. God and moving towards dreams in his life, and he's always got a new dream or a new thing that God is speaking to him and, like Lucas and Edward, I can call him at any time and he's like I got your back, I got your back, dad, pray for you. And you know it.

Speaker 1: 22:27

See, when you have the heart of your sons, it makes you it's kind of a father's superpower. When you have the heart of your children, when you don't, you feel more like Barney Fife Remember that old show in Mayberry Can't quite find your bullet, mayberry can't quite find your bullet. But fathering your kids and speaking life into them and doing it that way has tremendous impact on your children Because you're not making it about you, you're making it about them and in real time you're hearing and responding. You know it's like when you read the Scripture to hear God's heart for you and you realize that you know when God speaks in the Scripture and says I know I have the plans I have for you, plans for a hope and plans for a future. When God begins to share that with you, it begins to equip you and train you on how to be a father to your children, because His plan to help you make the father difference with your children is for you to be fathered by Him. I mean, here's His promise and I will be a father to you and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord, god Almighty.

Speaker 1: 23:42

God's plan from the beginning is to be a father in your story, the ultimate father. And when you learn how to read Scripture and discover who he says you are boy. There's nothing more powerful than that for you. And you know what, reading that and meditating on that, he really wants to be a Father to you. Imagine if you were to receive that and let your dad off the hook for not being perfect. How powerful would that be for you, for your family, for your friends, the way you deal with them, where you're not looking to your friends to find out who you are, we're not using somebody or something to name yourself, and you're getting it from God. Wow, those are my sweetest moments.

Speaker 1: 24:46

Because he wants sons and daughters and he wants you to father you in your own story, your own story, and because His plan to do that is to bless us, because when we are born, we're not born with all of God's blessing in our life. That's something we have to receive, and the more of His blessings we receive and notice the amount of blessings he wants to give us. He wants to bless us with every spiritual blessing he's got in heaven. That's a lot. Then why don't we receive more? Well, because we don't do this more. And you know that's a huge dilemma for us when we don't learn to receive and we think we got to earn it, and when you're trying to earn it, you are. You know that's your first step in somebody's trying to get through on our thing. Just give me a second here but you know that's one of the first things that happens to us that keeps it from God when we're trying to do something to get there instead of receive it.

Speaker 1: 26:20

And so this review what we went over just quickly to really help you is that when you model to your children and you actively pursue them and communicate what you love about them not the things about their performance, but about the people they're becoming it helps them build a true north to what's important in their life More than the rules. More than the rules and it takes no emotional fortitude to just lay out. Well, in the McLasson house, this is the things you do and don't do. Now it's really important to teach God's Word in the midst of all of this, because those are the ultimate rules of life. But children really have a hard time understanding that and receiving that number one and we talked about this last week If you don't model it so that they can imitate what you're doing, so it's the truth that you do in front of your children that makes all the difference in the world. It makes all the difference in the world.

Speaker 1: 27:42

And secondly, we talked about the things that you do that have the most impact with your children. It's about answering their deepest questions about what my dad really thinks about me. Your sons and daughters have that all the time, even when they're separated and say you've heard them and distanced yourself from them and they've said I don't want you. They put you on a no contact list. All of that from the pain of all that happens because we've spent so much time, sometimes we spend so much time measuring them by their performance and they never, ever get to arrive. I mean, I played with football players in the National Football League who their fathers were more excited when they got drafted and got a contract in the NFL than their sons were. And the reality of those kids they didn't end up well because they knew that the love of their dad was tied into the performance on the field and it's you know you're putting them in a prison they can never escape from.

Speaker 1: 28:57

And the most powerful thing you can do and we've talked about this a number of different ways and I'd love to hear back from you on what you think is when you begin to communicate those things that you intrinsically love about who your children are becoming, and you celebrate them. Children are becoming and you celebrate them. You celebrate them, you know, in front of your family, in front of their brothers and sisters, in the way that you talk about them. You celebrate them in front of your friends that you admire. And one day you'll have this happen. And it's one of the greatest moments for me as a father is when my friends that I respect come up to me, or someone comes up to me and says oh, by the way, I met your daughter today. Wow, what an amazing woman of God. And I get to. I sit back and think about all the things I had to learn to do better as a dad, and I learned to do it by connecting to God as my father. And when you connect to him as your father, you'll learn how to make the father difference in your children. That's our promise.

Speaker 1: 30:21

That's our website, thefatherdifferencecom. We have a devotional that I would love you guys to check out, and all you got to do is go to our website. I'll bring it up here for you. And oh, it's on here somewhere. If you go to thefatherofdifferencecom, you'll see our daily devotional, and we'd love for you to do that. We also got a free book for you for Father's Day, and I would love to get this book into the hands of as many fathers as I can, and would love your help to do that. Matter of fact, every dollar you give puts a book in the hands of somebody out there who maybe never had a father in their story, and so consider making a Father's Day gift, even to our ministry, to get those books out there. It's about a dollar a piece for us to even digitally get them out there, with all the cost of everything. So every dollar you give, you give a book and hope to a dad and a father. Well, how many could that be? Well, it's amazing how many are responding now in 124 different countries, and so I want you to consider that as well.

Speaker 1: 31:40

And also, we have a special event, if you're close in Southern California. It's called the Superpower of Dads and Grandpas. It's a gift. We have a special gift and a free breakfast on June, the 15th, at 8 am, and we're going to be at Harbor Light Church on Orange Avenue on Costa Mesa. We'd love for you to be there. Your ticket's already been paid If you go to my website at thefatherdifferencecom.

Speaker 1: 32:09

You got to register it so we know how much food to make. So you want a lot of food. You got to register. If you got friends, bring your friends. And if you got grandkids older grandkids bring them as well. Older meaning you know those that are just following you they can sit with.

Speaker 1: 32:28

It's a Father's Day event, father's Weekend event. On Father's Day weekend, you'll be out of there by 12 o'clock and so bring your grandkids, your grandsons or your sons and invite every friend you know, because we have a culture of really wounded men who are afraid to stand up and to do anything, and right now we need a lot of fathers. And right now we need a lot of fathers. And not only that, we also have a special training course that we do and kind of end here. It's called how to Become the Husband or Father your Family Needs. It's for singles or married. You can go to our website as well, or you can scan this for free, access our website as well, or you can scan this for free access and it gives you access to my video-driven course, where your donations help us pave the way to get this out to people literally all over the world, and I'd be honored to share this with you. Video-driven, go at your own pace and it really helps you to be the best husband and father you can be.

Speaker 1: 33:41

So, all that to say, I'm so grateful that you're here. I'd love to pray for you, father. I thank you for my friends that are watching. I pray you would unlock them to really make a difference in the life of their children in such a profound way. Really make a difference in the life of their children in such a profound way that, when they're done and we're, as dads, on our beds getting ready to go to heaven, our children would come up to us and tell us all of the wonderful things that we have said and done in their lives that they are now saying and doing in the lives of our grandchildren. That's it for me.

Speaker 1: 34:28

I know God gives rewards and that's a praise the Lord, but the greatest reward on earth, before you get your ultimate reward, is to know you made a difference. Is that what you want, dad or Mom? You want to make a difference, don't you? Well, share this, pass it on with your friends. Make sure you hit the subscribe button on YouTube, instagram, all the sites, just so that you'll know when. We're doing these every week. And so let's pray.

Speaker 1: 34:59

Father, thank you for my friend who's watching. I pray you would profoundly just touch them, love them, fill them, use them to be the moms and dads your children need them to be. And I especially pray for fathers out there that you would empower them, and I especially pray for fathers out there that you would empower them, lift up their arms to make such an extraordinary impact with their life, with their children and the men that they are, the families you're doing, or grandpas that are watching. Use them, Lord, in profound ways, for the sake of your children that are coming up and families and generations to come. So, lord, bring healing, touch my friend, bless them with your blessing To be that man, husband or father or woman, mom, mother that you have called them to be. In the matchless name of Jesus, I pray for you, my friend. God bless you.

Speaker 1: 36:04

I'd love to hear your comments. Would you comment on Facebook Make sure you follow us or Instagram or YouTube? Why don't you follow me? I've got more, and the more people that follow me, the more impact we're going to have for your friends. God bless you. Remember it's never too late for you to be the man husband, father, mom, mother, wife God has called you to be. God bless you, my friend.