Raising Your Son to Be a Man

Ed explores the profound impact fathers have on their sons' development into men.

• God promises those who lead many to righteousness will shine like stars forever
• Being present as a father gives children an 83% better chance at success in life
• The man you are when no one is looking becomes the model your son will follow
• What your children believe you think about them shapes their self-perception
• God wants to father you so you can effectively father your children
• Your voice has the power to name, bless, and give life through the words you speak
• Families begin to heal when a father's heart turns toward his children
• Two crucial questions: what kind of man would your son say you are, and what does he believe you think about him?
• Celebrating character development rather than just performance creates deeper security
• Breaking generational patterns requires allowing God to father you differently

Visit www.thefatherdifference.com/links for a free book download and information about personal coaching.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Father Difference Live
• 3:28 The Eternal Value of Fatherhood
• 10:25 God's Plan to Back You as a Dad
• 16:08 Being the Model Your Son Needs
• 28:15 What Your Son Believes About You
• 35:39 Resources for Becoming a Better Father
• 39:19 Closing Prayer and Invitation

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:05

Well, welcome. I'm your host, Ed Tamaglatsan, and we are at the Father Difference Live. We meet every week on Tuesday and looking forward to being with you tonight. Tonight we're also live on Instagram, facebook, all the different ones, and I'm grateful that you're here tonight.

Speaker 1: 0:34

As we talk about, you know what does it really mean to be a father to your son, what's the dynamics involved, to give your son and, I would say, your daughter, the best actual shot. And right now, I'm sure you've how many of you have been watching the Olympics and watching my favorite scene that I mentioned this last week is watching the parents in the stands just pulling their hair out. They're either screaming, hitting touchdown. Incredible moments of watching their children become everything that, really become everything that they ever dreamed of, and you know many of them. The focus of their life has been to be an Olympic champion, to make it to the Olympics and then to win the gold medal, and it just just so many incredible moments of just watching the, just the hopes and dreams and the sacrifice, and of all the parents, because there's not a parent that represented, there's not a dad or mom, whether they're married or not, that hasn't made huge sacrifices for the sake of their children, whether they're married or not. That has them make huge sacrifices for the sake of their children, and just incredible capacity in us as fathers to make a difference for the sake of our children. And it's easy to talk about that the dads aren't really in that place, but kind of what we're about at the Father Difference. Our ministry here is to help you become the best father you can be. We also were working with moms on Thursday at 12 o'clock Pacific Standard Time, live on Facebook as well, helping moms really become the kind of mom that really makes a difference in the life of her children. And I played football in the National Football League with a bunch of guys who were raised by amazing moms amazing moms and yet many times their story doesn't end the way their mothers want them to, because they're missing the dad in their story.

Speaker 1: 3:13

And so you, my friend, are incredibly important, who you are and how God has wired you, and so I want to get right into sharing this. I want to share a slide with you that really speaks in Scripture about the reward for a man who's like all in with God, and here it is. Those who lead many to righteousness will shine like the stars forever and ever. That's Daniel's words, something incredibly powerful. When you understand that heaven has arranged itself. You know God is the father, has, has arranged heaven to back you up, to be the best father you can be, to be there in the life of your children. So it's not about how much money you make and how many toys you can buy them. It has way more to do with the man that you're becoming, and that's the first part of how do you really help a boy become a man. We can't tell them to do things that you're not doing. How many have tried to get, get your sons or your daughters to, to, uh, not do what you do, but to maybe do the principles you think will work. But at the end of the day, your sons and your daughters will start their story out and many times exceed you. My sons are exceeding me, those that are fathers right now.

Speaker 1: 4:57

My son, edward, with his three daughters. Everything's pink around his life. He's got pink surfboards, he's got all things and it doesn't. And he just into his girls, just loving them, serving them, watching Lucas with his babies. He's got two rascal sons that are just amazing and a daughter, and another one on the way and my daughter, mary Lee, who's in Switzerland, has her three amazingly beautiful girls.

Speaker 1: 5:33

All of my granddaughters are exceedingly beautiful and it's not because of moi, it's because I married an Icelandic beauty and I'm so grateful that those genetics have passed into my grandchildren. I love them so much and, as a matter of fact, we have 13 grandkids, with one more on the way. So proud of my children and just the way they are. And Jessica with twins. Greg's such a good dad and his two sons. They're actually here with us on a little family trip and they're just from the earliest part of the morning to all the way as they fight sleep. They don't want to go to sleep.

Speaker 1: 6:23

When you're around your grandkids, it's an adventure and things get broken, things get lost. It's activity all the time and it just. I love it. It wears me out, but it's part of the gift of being a grandpa and being a father. So what are some of those things that we can learn and do?

Speaker 1: 6:48

And I want to say a couple more things to you, as we're talking about how you'll, you'll shine. It says that you'll, you'll shine like stars forever and ever, that's. There's nothing more important in heaven than you becoming, you know, living out of that righteousness and serving and laying your life down as a dad, as mom so many moms have done for years. And here's something else that I want to share with you, and that is God's also made you restless for more, because he wants to eternalize your life. He wants your life to count for something that will last forever. So one thing about those that are in Christ your work as a dad, your work as a father, doesn't just count for your family. When you die, it's over and there's faint memories that are mentioned by your kids as they get older and celebrate you. But what you do because of Christ in you, before the Lord, lives beyond you and it gets celebrated for eternity.

Speaker 1: 8:12

You know you want to make your life count for something less forever, don't you? I know I do, and that's why you know, as a godly man, you'll never be satisfied for less, for status quo, because you want your life to count. You want your life to really matter, and that's the way God's made you, that's the way he's made me in our life and also, just as a thought, do you ever feel like a stirring inside that's saying something like this I want to make a greater difference with the rest of my life than I've made until now. I meet guys every day. I was one of those guys. At 40 years old, I realized how unattentive I was to my children and how my relationship with them was more about their performance and driving them to achieve. And I could have been any one of those moms and dads in the stands and my children achieved so many great things.

Speaker 1: 9:36

But there's something way bigger than getting a gold medal, and that's the person your children become, and that's the person your children become, the kind of person that, the way they love your grandchildren one day will live on eternally, because God wants to eternalize your story. That's the one great thing about being born again into God's family is that your story doesn't start and end with Christ coming in your life. Your story starts and has a new beginning again, and the old he covers, the old and the patterns of sin he covers. But he now comes and grants the Holy Spirit to now live inside of you as a man, so that you can make a bigger difference than you could possibly make without it. And that's profound. That's the way God's made you. Why would everybody want to follow Jesus if God's promise is that he's going to back you up and make you the kind of man that is celebrated for millennials in heaven. I think that's just a powerful, powerful picture of what God wants to do. Powerful picture of what God wants to do.

Speaker 1: 11:07

And not only that that passion that you have to make a greater difference with the rest of your life comes from the one who gave you your life. So many times we confuse ambition with passion and you know, people take less because they were conditioned to take less. And you know, I don't know the way your dad treated you or your co-workers or people around you when you're trying to go for life, when you're trying to push the edge as a man and to achieve more, and how quickly they'll just say you're just being ambitious, even in Christian circles. But could it be that the passion that God's put in you to make a greater difference comes from the one who gave you your life? I think so, and you can only really satisfy that desire to make a difference. He is the only one in Christ in you that allows you to satisfy, to one day make that difference with your life, and he will, if you'll follow him into the very external purpose he's made you restless for.

Speaker 1: 12:32

So, as we start thinking about tonight and this short segment of sharing with you, what is the real difference you want to be? I'd love to see it in the chat, maybe as a father. What's your thing? What kind of real difference do you want to be? I'd love to see it in the chat, maybe as a father, saying what kind of real difference you want to make in your marriage with your wife, with your children, with your finances, with your health. What is that difference that you really want to make?

Speaker 1: 13:05

And there are times in your life that God is. You know, you become restless for more, and when you go to him, he can open up whole new windows for you, and that's really powerful, really powerful. And so I want to ask you, you know, if we look at this because while you have this, you have this God in heaven. God, the Father in heaven and Son Jesus, wanted to eternalize your achievements and the things that you do for God you also have the devil, who's working constantly to destroy man and to destroy your God-given role so he can unravel your family and destroy your kids. His attacks against you to knock you out of the fathering game so he can get your kids and your grandkids, and so their stories would be not celebrating the kind of father you are, the man you are. Their stories are going to be about what they never got, what a jerk their dad was, etc. Etc. Etc.

Speaker 1: 14:22

See, god made men the foundation of blessing for their families. He specifically put that inside of Adam. As a matter of fact, adam was given the ability by God to name the creation. He named all the animals. The names we have today came out of what Adam called them. Adam even named a woman you know his bride-to-be when God created her out of his side. Who's he going to call her A woman?

Speaker 1: 15:01

And so there's something incredibly powerful with our voices, men and the power we have to name and to bless and to give life with the things that we say. Matter of fact, james said that if a man can control his tongue, the Bible says that he can keep himself from sinning. Boy, isn't that true? How many of you let things slip out that ended up hurting your, your son or your daughter? You wish you'd just get them back in there. And that's why our voice and the way we project and speak, blessing and talk to our children can have an incredible impact on our children, because God made us that way. He's made us to speak, life or not.

Speaker 1: 15:53

So how do we kind of change that? Well, I want to share another scripture with you here. How do we kind of change that? Well, I want to share another scripture with you here. And even history and the way God forms history in the final act, that he began when Christ was sent, when the Son of God became a baby and then walked the earth and then died for us. A baby and then walked the earth and then died for us. That behold, before I sent Elijah, the prophet, before the great and awesome day of the Lord, in other words, before the judgment comes, god's going to do something profound and if you've been around me, you've heard me talk about this verse he's going to turn the hearts of fathers us to our children, and he's going to turn the hearts of our children to their fathers.

Speaker 1: 16:45

Least I come and strike the land with the tree of utter destruction and you're watching, just in our cities and through our families, the cost that happens to young people when dads are separated from their children. It's devastating, matter of fact, even statistically. Even a father that's not that good of a dad. If he's present, that child has an 83% better chance of being successful in this life just because his dad is still there. So it's not about being a perfect father. I want to call you out and bless you to really understand that for you to be the kind of dad who helps your boy become a man, the first step and this is what we're going to talk about tonight and kind of review and for some of you is really about you being that kind of father, being the model of man you want your children to be, and that's incredibly powerful.

Speaker 1: 18:08

I think that was the moment when things began to shift for me is that I realized that the way I was loving my wife would be the way that my sons would start out loving their future wife or their girlfriends and then their wives. That the model of the kind of man I was in secret, that man that God sees. If he is a man who hides and doesn't deal with his stuff. He's the kind of man who builds children who learn to hide and not deal with their stuff. How the model for so much of the behavior of our kids can start with us. And even though God's an amazing father and can turn around the worst of us and our worst moments and fathers into great healing moments. It's still. It's something that God is working in you and me. He wants us to know that we're the ones who start the whole process, even how conception happens. It's because of what we give to that egg and how the beginning process that God has meant for you, as a father, to be involved and to be powerful in the life of your sons and your daughters. And if you've got questions during our time, I would love for you to put them in the life of your sons and your daughters. And if you've got questions during our time, I would love for you to put them in the comments about really raising a son to be a man, how to do that. And so the next slide I wanted to share with you kind of talks about two questions I want you to think about.

Speaker 1: 19:56

See families begin to heal when a father's heart is turned back towards his children, and when dads are present, it changes the whole family. When dads are absent, that changes the family too. How present are you with your children? What happens when you break in to the house and go to that front door and you come home from work? If that's your scenario, what do your kids really believe that you think about them? What kind of real time are you giving your kids? Or are you busy? You're trying to make a living and you're just constantly busy all the time. And here's the truth about now that the families begin to heal of the families begin to heal when a man is fathered by God, the same way Jesus was. They begin to heal and discover who God has called them to be.

Speaker 1: 21:09

Boy, that's a mouthful, and that's what happened to me at 40 years old. I spent my whole life pushing to be a pro athlete, and though I realized that and played, I never got as far as I wanted to. Didn't get a Super Bowl ring. I did get a wedding ring. That's way more powerful still. To this day it's on my finger. It's harder to take off than it used to be, but it was a covenant that I made, and so part of it is really understanding your role.

Speaker 1: 21:49

And I had a question that popped up from a good friend, justin how do you stop yourself from lecturing your adult children about a mistake they're about to make and let them make their own decisions? Well, you know here, you know kind of quickly, not to diverge, but really appreciate your input there, justin. Input there, justin, is that when you have adult children, you can only really father them to the level that you have permission. And if you have their permission and they're asking you, dad, how do I deal with this? Well, boy, you have an open door to go. Hey, here's something you might think about. But if you're seeing them getting ready to make a mistake and you sort of jump on them to keep them from making that mistake, as though it's your job to protect them from being sinful or blowing it, the problem is that will communicate to them something that you believe about. Now, we're going to go to that in the next slide. It's going. It's going to communicate to them.

Speaker 1: 23:03

My dad doesn't think I can handle this on my own. And, boy, I tell you when your sons are in that place and I made that mistake, I, you know we can become like helicopter they call them helicopter dads or where you're. Just, you're too hard and you're assuming, in a couple of assumptions, that you love your son or your daughter more than God does. So you got to protect them. But if you don't have their permission to speak into that situation, they're going to close you off and not listen. There's a very advice. So the secret behind it is you got to get permission so if you see your son or daughter struggling, you can go to them and say hey, son, I know you're getting ready to do this. Are you open for some, for some questions from me, and just see what they say. They might say no, dad, I'm good and you got to let them do it. And that's how they're going to learn and because if you force them to change because you've made those same mistakes and you don't want them to make the mistakes, you're taking away something really powerful for them. You know what that is. Then coming back to God themselves and going Father, forgive me, I've learned it. That's a powerful moment for your sons when they learn how to connect to God and learn. That's how they learn. That's how they get their wins. But, more than anything, they get even bigger wins when they believe that their dad thinks they can handle this. You know?

Speaker 1: 25:04

It says that when Enoch lived 65 years, he fathered Methuselah no kids yet and it says that he walked with God after he fathered Methuselah 300 years and had other sons and daughters. After he fathered Methuselah 300 years and had other sons and daughters. Something happens to a man when he becomes a father. It's a powerful, powerful thing Either a father from your loins or a father who steps in and becomes a stepfather. You're not a step away. You get to step towards them, to love them the way they need to be loved. And that's such a powerful thing because it really takes a place in us where we really need to be fathered by God in order to be the father God wants us to be. Here's another one, and you guys have heard me say this that God's plan to back you up with a dad is I'll be a father to you and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord, god Almighty. God is completely committed to fathering you and helping you father your sons and daughters the way they need to be fathered. So here's two questions to think about and really two principles.

Speaker 1: 26:21

But for me, my heart began to turn towards my children when God became my father. In my life I never knew that that was a possibility, and the second thing that began to happen is that my family began to change when I learned how to receive the blessing of being a father that I never had myself. My dad was killed in action. My stepfather did the best he could. He was a submarine commander or captain of a submarine, gone most of the time serving our country. And yet, you know, most of the things in my manhood were just, I got to try to discover those alone and that was hard. That was hard for me. That was, I know. It was really hard on my mother. I remember one time, you know, my mother came in the room and she tried to discipline me with a hairbrush. I was getting bigger, so she was smacking me with a hairbrush. I was getting bigger, so she was smacking me with a hairbrush and I was kind of going, what is that? A flea? It just made her really mad and she looked at me and said when your dad comes home, he's going to shoot you with a bazooka. Oh boy, I changed my tune about a week before my father came back from the meds, from his military, you know, gone for three months at a time. And yet, because I didn't have him there, I didn't have him there to watch him, I didn't have him there to speak life into me.

Speaker 1: 28:01

And so I'm going to ask you two questions as we tie this together next week where I can continue this series, and that is this what kind of man would your son say you are right now? What kind of man would he say you are? Because he's watching you and he sees when you're weak, he sees when you're broken. He's there in your life. So what would he say? And the second thing, what does he believe that you think about him? Those are two really important questions for you to kind of think about, meditate on as a father, is because it's really because who we are when no one is looking will be the kind of man that our son will start out to be. I mean, we're not completely responsible for our son's future, but we get to start it. We can give them the tools that they need to be successful.

Speaker 1: 29:07

And the second thing that matters a lot to them is is what does your son really believe you think about? I mean, if you, if you, it took a moment and you began to um, like, what are the things you're most proud about yourself? Where do you brag on your son to other people about? When he's there, that he hears from you as a dad? Those are incredibly powerful and you know when you hear that your dad has been talking about you to the coach or to somebody else. It's a. It's a powerful, powerful thing for you, but when it's in front of you might be embarrassing, but those kind of things kind of mark you and, and so what are those things that you talk to them about and tell them? And I would say, are they about performance things in their life, or is it about the man that he's becoming? Because what you celebrate with your sons and your daughters is how they know when they score with you.

Speaker 1: 30:30

If life was a basketball game and your kids were playing and you telling them what you love about them is the hoop on the backboard them, what you love about them is the hoop on the backboard. Well, every time they shoot it through that hoop, they know how they win in the family. They know about what you think about them. But what if they never hear that from you? Because your dad never did it to you, and so how does God maybe change that? Maybe you're in a place where you're stuck in how you speak to them because it was never done to you, and so you father, without even maybe directly thinking about this. You father them kind of the same way you were fathered, even those things you promised you'd never do.

Speaker 1: 31:34

And the other thing is, how often do you tell them those things that you love about them, that you're proud of in their life? And I would encourage you that if those things are a Graves, a Smarty is, I mean, there's value in that. But they want to know intrinsically from you what is. Does my dad like me? Does he want to hang out with me? What does he really believe? I mean, think about those, the times that you're with your kids, that you're with your kids and you're pushing to make up time. I have a lot of single dads who you know, get their kids on the weekend and they're trying to catch up for a lot of not being there in the lives of their kids. And so I tell them, I said, why does your son really believe you think about him? And most often I hear why he's not really good at doing that. I said, why not? And he said, well, I don't know, maybe because my dad never did it with me. And I said, well, what if you started a new thing? Because he's probably living with his mom and if she's still punishing you because of the divorce, he's not going to hear much about you at all, and so the one predictable thing you can do is to really be that kind of father that speaks life into him, because he's desperate to know what you think he wants to know, because he goes to school and who at school tells him who he really is? Coaches Well, if they're a star player, they get all the accolades and they get that way to go.

Speaker 1: 33:48

Teachers Sometimes there's incredible teachers that are powerful in speaking life went through my course and started to realize that he was probably the only real father that most of his students would ever be around, because of divorce and family trouble and alcoholism and all the things. And so he started speaking life into his students and they changed his class and they couldn't wait to be in his class, and he was a math teacher and so his classes were hard for many of the kids and yet he treated them. He told me one time I treat them like they're my grandkids and I get so much out of them. They go so much farther. And he said my early days I much out of them. They go so much farther. And he said my early days I was hard on him and tell him you're not going to make it and you don't learn this. Blah, blah, blah. And then I started to treat him like I want to treat my grandkids and it just changed my classroom.

Speaker 1: 34:59

That's a guy who makes a difference. He's one of those guys that we talked about earlier. That's a guy who makes a difference. He's one of those guys that we talked about earlier, and so, if you've been coming to our this is our kind of free time we do every week and you want to go deeper, you want to really develop those things in your life. I want to encourage you to sign up, take the next step.

Speaker 1: 35:25

I wrote a book called how to Become the Husband or Father your Family Needs, and it comes with an online course and right now it's free access. It's normally, you know, over $900 for this course, but our board and our team has made it free and it's suddenly free. It's going to be limited because we're expanding and I would encourage you. If you've not signed up, you can go at your own pace, and there's also a coaching piece and there's a group that meets right after our live time at 6 o'clock every Monday, where you can join our Men of Honor coaching group with guys just like you, struggling, just like you, with things.

Speaker 1: 36:14

All you've got to do is go to thefatherdifferencecom and sign up, and this offer is not going to be there permanent, but it gives you a whole lot more tools, some coaching, one-on-one coaching to really help you, and my goal and my mission that God has given me is to help you become the best father you can possibly be, the one that God has meant you to be, irrespective of you know where you came from and how good your dad was or not. You can have no dad or a great dad. There's things to learn to teach you how to have those incredible moments with your children that they want you to be that kind of father, and when you are, you're going to be celebrated, celebrated by them in ways that you never thought possible. And so, join me, I've been coaching men, been in 14 different countries and been coaching men you know literally around the world for the last 30 some years, and we want to make this available. Seeing a really broken story with the dad and his kids turn into an incredible, ignitable romance with his wife, even the restoration of marriages, even if there's been divorce, and ultimately you becoming the father of God, is my near debate. So if you're interested in that, sign up for my coaching group Right now.

Speaker 1: 38:06

It's not going to cost you anything, but if it blesses you, we're going to ask you to donate to us and help us spread this message, because we're building a team of men like you that's going to father their children, and as great as that Olympic moment is of watching other parents' children get a gold medal, the ultimate medal that we want to get is the one I started this whole series on to where God, the Father, awards you and he is going to look at this again. Those who lead many to righteousness will shine like the stars forever and ever. God wants you to be one of those. That's bigger than a gold medal. That's who God has made you to be. My friend, it's a kind of father.

Speaker 1: 39:03

I'd love to pray with you. If you have any other questions, I'd love for you to pop in the chat or you can actually email me with your questions. We'd love to hear from you, and we also have a daily devotional that you can sign up for if you don't get this. We write this every day and put it out with the scripture and a thought for today to really help you be the father and man God has called you to be, and it's also for gals just be great for your wife, and maybe your wife is really struggling with her dad and she's struggling. Trusting you, and so we do couples counseling as well. That's part of what we do in our ministry and it's an trusting you, and so we do couples counseling as well. That's part of what we do in our ministry and it's an honor. So let me pray for you.

Speaker 1: 39:50

Our direct time is winding down, father, I thank you for my friends. I thank you for their support. I thank you for their time tonight on this call. I pray, lord, that you would use this and speak life into them in a powerful way, and I thank you, lord, that you brought us together again, to together on a Tuesday night, lord, to speak into us the promise of what it means to be the kind of father and mother that makes a difference. Thank you, lord, for my friends. I ask you to bless their families, I ask you to make them those kind of fathers and men and ultimately, one day, Lord, they'll stand up and watch their children receive the same righteous reward from God, the Father, for the way they live their life, because your mom and dad lived that way and all God's people said amen.

Speaker 1: 40:54

God bless you, my friend. Great to be with you. We're out of time and we'll be here next week. It's 5 pm, pacific Standard Time and if you want to become part of our other group, you want to take it deeper. You can join even right now and we'll give you the links to that and we'll have those for you and available for you. God bless you, my friend. The Father loves you and send a son to let you know Bye-bye.