When Your Kids Stop Listening

When children stop listening to their parents, it's often a heart connection issue rather than a discipline problem. The most significant breakthrough in parenting occurs when we recognize how our internal voice influences our communication with our children.

• If you don't have their heart, children won't receive what you're saying
• Children mirror the communication patterns they experience at home
• A father's voice and presence have incredible power in a child's development
• Children's first idea of how God speaks comes from how their father spoke to them
• The way you talk to yourself becomes the way you talk to your children
• Healing your relationship with yourself through God's fathering changes how you parent
• Approaching children with love and joy rather than frustration transforms relationships
• Being present and supportive gives children the confidence to become who God created them to be
• The government is never meant to replace the father's role in a child's life
• Change happens when fathers model God's love rather than seeking perfection

Visit www.thefatherdifference.com/store to get your copy of The Father You've Always Wanted. Plus, get your access to our free coaching resources and free book at www.thefatherdifference.com/links!

Chapters

• 0:27 Welcome to The Father Difference
• 8:30 When Kids Won't Listen: The Core Issue
• 14:35 If You Don't Have Their Heart
• 18:15 Fathers Under Attack in Culture
• 24:30 How Your Self-Talk Shapes Fatherhood
• 32:50 Healing Your Internal Voice
• 39:00 Finding God's Fathering Model

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:27

Okay, we are live. We are live on a lot of plays. Emmett King good to see you, emmett King on Instagram. He's my brother. We used to play football together on Youngstown State fighting Penguins. Hey, give a shout out to Emma King, he is one of my heroes out there. And we got Josh Woosney. Good to see you, josh, and welcome tonight, as we're going to kind of tackle this whole kind of idea of enough when your kids just don't want to listen to you. You ever have that problem. I know Emmett King does and he's just an amazing man of God and one of the best doggone football players you would ever see out there at Youngstown State. And we still got 17 seconds left with the ball left on the 10-yard line to miss a national championship. I'm still bitter about that. How about you, emmett? But anyway, great to be with you guys tonight.

Speaker 1: 1:36

Welcome to the Father Difference. I'm your host, ed Taney-McGladsen. Matter of fact, I got Lucas in the house. I got Lucas Tandy, my son Lucas. Welcome. He is also Josh. He's a new father of two Two-week-old baby. I absolutely love being a father. Well, you are definitely not sleeping, josh. If you've got a little baby, that's Josh. If you've got a little baby that's.

Speaker 1: 2:05

Oh man, those days were just amazing. I will tell a little story of myself before we get into the material tonight. But you know, my son Lucas was super hungry, so was all of my boys, and my wife would run out of breast milk and so I'm figuring out why won't they sleep and they're hungry? So I went out before they actually made these and took one of those rubber nipples on the bottle. It took a hot knife and made a really big hole, took breast milk, added isomel and protein and all that stuff in there, shook it up and made it like a milkshake in a squeezable bottle. And I would go into my kid's room when my wife would say it's your turn to feed the baby and I go in there and squeeze that into them, you know, and it just. They were so hungry that I sort of put them in an insulin coma, I think they just. But they would sleep for eight hours. And Josh, by the way, was our best baby. So welcome Josh, and actually Lucas as well. Lucas Tandy is with us. He lives there outside Columbia, in Tennessee. Well, all that is, idney.

Speaker 1: 3:29

Tonight we're going to talk about the whole issue of when you're kids and you're talking to them and they're like enough, dad, that's too much. You ever have that problem in your family? I know that you guys that are watching probably never do, but I did, and I get a lot of this with guys trying to get their kids to pay attention. And tonight we're going to take a short make a short segment here and it's out of chapter one of the Father You've Always Wanted. Now, if you've not gotten your copy yet, you can get this online. You can go to our website. It's fatherdifferencecom. You can get a copy or you can get a digital copy from Kindle and get it right away. If you're outside of the country, we've got a new friend joining us from England tonight, and so right away. If you're outside of the country, we got a new friend joining us from England tonight, and so right here and that is a way that's hilarious.

Speaker 1: 4:33

I know, josh, you know people are saying you could get thrown in prison the way you fed your kids. I said no, they're my kids and they were hungry and guess what? They turned into amazing young men and I couldn't get away with that with my little grandbaby daughters. So they were. If they didn't want to eat, it didn't matter what I did. I mean. No, that's true, but how many of you have, you know, gotten in a place with your kids to where they just don't, no matter how loud you get, it's you know, they just don't listen. And you want to learn some keys tonight about really how to break through as a father, into the life of your kids.

Speaker 1: 5:21

I'm talking about again this book, the Father You've Always Wanted, and the subtitle is how God Heals your Father Wounds, and it's so much more. It's a book we're going to go through on our live sessions on Tuesday night with men and Thursday at 12 o'clock, pacific Standard Time with moms. So, if you're interested, spread the word Love to have you there. And so let's get into the material tonight and talk a little bit about kind of what we've been learning. And we talked about this verse last week.

Speaker 1: 6:19

And we talked about this verse last week and that is, you know, paul's prayer for you, for me, is that I pray that the eyes of your heart might be enlightened or open, in order that you might know the hope to which God has called you, to hope God's called you to this powerful place in your life where you discover His love for you in such a profound way it begins to reshape you as a dad. It begins to shape you as a father and really helps you become the father maybe that some of you struggle to have with your own dad. Because here's the truth about dads you can be the best father. You still make mistakes. I can tell Luke puts his hand up there probably Dad, you made a lot of mistakes. Yeah, we do.

Speaker 1: 7:01

The awesome part of Jesus coming in his story and his plan was to introduce us to the Father. If we're married, how we date a girl, if we're single, how we get a job, how we do what we do, we live in this relationship with God the Father the way Jesus did, and it resets us in the core of how we see ourselves, in the core of where we see ourselves, because most of the struggles that you and I have as men in the world, in life, in everything, is when we're not clear about who God's called us to be. I was on the phone today with a new young squire from England, a powerful young man who's joined our program and is learning how to really connect to God the Father the same way Jesus did. There's something profound when you learn that truth and I'll talk about that a little bit later. And so let's talk a little bit about the way your dad kind of fathered you, how it kind of spoke in your life. I mean, what was he like? You know, what was his kind of mode? We looked at the Scripture that God wants to pray that either of our heart might be opened, and the reason why is that, dads, you matter more than you know and you think it's strange in the world that the number one target on the back of people in the world is not their political party although there's a lot of wickedness and evil going on with this election here in our country, in America and around the world but the biggest group that's being attacked in the world are fathers. And the reason that is is because if the devil can knock you out Dad, guess what he's going to get? Access to your children. They're going to have this missing piece, and I included.

Speaker 1: 9:27

What I talked about last week is a comment from a young football player who was in the field and I asked him when you're in a football game and you're looking in the stands, what are you looking for? He said I'm looking to see if my dad is there or not, and to see if my dad is smiling. Well, what a powerful statement from this young quarterback. And then he and I quote him he says there's nothing in my life that means more to me than what my dad thinks about me. Then he looked up at me with a confident smile lighting on his face. When my dad is there watching, there's nothing I can't do.

Speaker 1: 10:15

Think about and imagine your children having that same experience with you, having that same experience with you that when they see you and the way you father them, that they really believe that they've been made for more than just eating and doing things. They've been made for an incredible purpose that God has made their lives for. God's wired you in such a way, father, that even your voice, the way you speak, has incredible power. Now, I promised you earlier we're going to talk about this thing is why don't my kids listen to me? And the short answer and I'll explain what I mean is that I've learned one thing about my children in fathering them and my grandchildren. I have 13 now, soon to be 14. We have another Tennessee baby being born. Can't wait to find out about this precious one.

Speaker 1: 11:27

But there's one truth that's true with all fathering, and that's this. I got to get some latte here. If you don't have their heart, they're not going to receive from you. They're not going to receive from you, and when you raise your voice and begin speaking over them, you'll see them back away and they'll get more afraid of disappointing you than being able to hear what you say. They stop listening. I remember as a young football coach and I talk about this in my book and got a comment from a guy, josh, who's watching, and he said my father wasn't the best. He made sure to tell us he loved us, but the example he set in front of me and my siblings was absolutely horrific. Boy, that is so true, and I know that's happened in my own life and it looks like we just froze up on that. What in the world is going on? How in the world did we freeze? So, if you're still listening to me, what is going on here? Oh, boy, that's just so great that, yeah, of course the devil does this. Not sure why this is happening, but this is definitely frozen and anyway, I am going to.

Speaker 1: 13:23

I'm not sure why the camera's not working. Well, my technical, I do not know what's going on here, why this is not why it's not working. If you can't, oh boy, notifications not working. If you can't, oh boy, notifications. Boy, we got. Did we just get? Did we just get worked by social media? Oh boy, let's, let me see. Let me leave studio and see if we can come back here. Okay, let me leave studio and see if we can come back here at the stage. Hang in there, if you've been watching and for some reason, we just got worked. Let's see here. Okay, are you guys? Are you guys back? Good, alright, we just got, we just got worked, and they knocked out my Instagram. Not sure why that would be If just guys just hang with me for a second and here we go. All right, now we're back live on Instagram. I'm not sure what just happened. That's the first time it's ever happened. So well, no wonder. I'm talking about fathers and I'm talking about the difference you can make as a dad, and so we're going to get right back into it. Thanks for hanging with me there on Instagram Live. I'm not really sure why that all happened, but we're going to get right back into what we were talking about.

Speaker 1: 15:56

Okay, so I just shared with you whether you're still married to their mom or not, in the lives of your sons and daughters, no matter how angry they've been, no matter how separated from you they are. You matter because God has given you that gift in your life, and so culture is trying to do everything that it can, and I would say that wicked political culture is trying to replace fatherhood with a political party. And, by the way, the government is never supposed to be the head of your home or my home. If you agree, give me a thumbs up, because there's something just profoundly powerful when you are in the midst of being there with your children in their life. Now we got throttled. I've never had that happen on Instagram and on this program before where they sort of just cut my feet off for no reason and the Internet didn't go down. And so it's because this is so important and we're talking tonight about the whole thing of why all my kids listen to me, and so we're going to move on and where we were while we were so rudely interrupted, and so I'm so grateful you hung with me on Instagram, on Facebook. Thanks for hanging in there. And so here's my question You're feeling frustrated because it seems like your kids just don't hear you.

Speaker 1: 17:38

Anybody wants to say amen, there's Justin Carlton. Thank you, justin. He's one of my young dads in our fathering program. He is just out of sight, amazing father, lover of his wife and just an amazing guy to be with. Lives out there in Montana, where, where they still carry guns and they eat meat all the time I can hang with them. I've eaten a lot of cow in the last few months. Oh, by the way, if you are wondering, there's a comment there. Yes, I have lost over 55 pounds eating meat. I've been doing carnivores, so I've always loved meat and so I'm getting fit and in shape so that we can get an airplane and take this ministry as many places as God wants us to go.

Speaker 1: 18:30

Because, more than anything else right now, on our watch as fathers and as men, our watch as fathers and as men, there's nothing more powerful and there's nothing more important than for you, dad, and for me and even stepdads, to be at the helm in the lives of children in the midst of this crazy time, in this culture that wants to be their father, wants to be their mother, wants to determine their identity, wants to determine all these things about their life. That's not their job, it's our job. It's a job that God has given you, and so, anyway, boy, oh boy, we just got throttled again. This is pretty strange. Again, this is pretty strange, pretty strange. Well, I think Instagram is is throttling my program again. I am so sorry this is going on.

Speaker 1: 19:30

Not sure why this is happening. Let me try to get back to where I was before and, oh gosh, hold on with me, don't go anywhere. I'm going to leave the studio and then come back. The state, boy, I've never had this happen before. And if I've knocked you out, keep hanging with me and we will figure out what the heck is going on.

Speaker 1: 20:17

Okay, okay, we're going to get right into this next slide and the question why do kids struggle listening to their fathers? Why do kids struggle? I'd love to get your comments and what you think. So is it? They just don't want to listen, or? You know? Good to see you, greg Fisher, I think we're hung up there for some reason and we're being throttled again. Boy, this is so strange. Let's make sure our Internet's fine. We're, you know, connecting in here.

Speaker 1: 20:58

Not sure why this happened, and so, anyway, I Gosh, why in the world is this happening? Okay, okay, so even my faithful assistant, icy is there? Yeah, not sure, icy. Do you see any image at all? And it's just frozen in time. We're just frozen in time. I'm not sure why that is going on. Thank you with me, guys, do not quit on me. There we go, we're back again. I I tell you, this is the strangest thing I've ever experienced on here.

Speaker 1: 22:34

We started this show and, uh, had reboot and for some reason, at the same time that I'm talking to you and talking about why government is not the father of children, we got cut off. We got cut off on Instagram, we got cut off on Facebook, on YouTube, and now we're back again. Are you there, guys? Give me some comments that? Hey, ed, I hear you, just not sure why this stream is doing it. Patrick, clear, before starting the program, use the sweeper to clean memory as well. Patrick, clear, before starting the program, use the sweeper to clean memory as well. Yes, we can hear you. Thank you there. I see, may, did I lock up on you guys, just so that I know? Well, anyway, we're going to get right back into the material and I see May connect me to bring Instagram back. If you can Pop it over there for me. Thank you, okay, so you know we talked.

Speaker 1: 23:54

So what we talked about is why do kids struggle listening to their fathers? And to give you a picture that might help you, that happened to me I had I was coaching peewee football, I was volunteering coaching and and went out and and tried coach kids and I got all these kids in there and I could tell within the the first few practices which kids were struggling, which kids were being fathered. And I remember this one young man. He was in fights all the time. He was pushing, he's screaming and um, and so I mean he it's a problem. So I would make him run laps and he'd come back in, no matter what happened. He'd get into another fight and then we'd make him run over and over and over and over. And so I was just curious, and so I waited after practice for his dad to pick him up.

Speaker 1: 25:03

And his dad comes over and he said why did you make my son run so many laps? And I said, well, because he's just picking fights all the time. He's not listening to coaches. He doesn't listen to me either. He doesn't. No, no, no, doesn't matter how much I scream at him, he just doesn't, doug, listen to me either. He doesn't. No, no, no, doesn't matter how much I scream at him, he just doesn't listen.

Speaker 1: 25:24

So I asked him a question. I said when you scream at him, are you communicating to him how much you love him? Are you communicating how disappointed you are in him? Well, if he just listened to me, I wouldn't scream at him. And I said how much are you screaming at your son? Well, not that much.

Speaker 1: 25:52

And I said well, he uses all these words towards other people. His mouth is just out of control. Do you ever say these words? And I repeat them. I won't repeat online. And he looked at me. His head went down. He goes. I have a terrible problem with rage.

Speaker 1: 26:16

And I said well, yeah, I can tell, I see it in your son. And I said you know, if you'll learn a whole new way of talking to your son and I'll teach you, I'll help you it'll change his life. And if you don't learn this, your son is going to be a notorious person in society because he's angry, he's hurt and you're trying to get him to do what is right all the time, but what he hears is my dad doesn't like me, my dad doesn't love me. And this father started to change and it was dramatic, the change of the son on the football field. Because you know that young man, the way he's shaped is he's shaped by the words of his father towards him. And so what causes us to get in that place, to where we get so hard on our kids and we're yelling at them trying to do right because we—and they might be good things that you're saying to them, but at the end of the day they're giving you the whatever hand. And how does that change?

Speaker 1: 27:45

Well, let me tell you a little story on myself. I was just like that dad when my kids were disappointing me, and I was just, you know, I was always big and loud. I'm that way anyway. And I was on the way to church one day and my young son, edward, is in the car and he's got a paper bag and I asked him what's in the bag and he said my Nintendo. And I said well, you bringing it to church? He goes no, dad, I think God spoke to me this morning and he wants me to give away my Nintendo to that young boy in the church.

Speaker 1: 28:35

Single mom that doesn't have enough money to buy one church single mom that doesn't have enough money to buy one. And so I'm driving there and I'm thinking that's like $199.99. And that's just great. You're sort of giving away something we gave as a family gift that wasn't actually his gift to give away. And then every game, as you know, was like $49 back in the day, and Nintendo for some of you younger guys is really a cool gaming system many, many moons ago. So I don't even know what they're using today.

Speaker 1: 29:11

And so it made me really curious because I'm thinking, boy, it better be the audible voice of God giving away that. And I said so. Tell me, what did it sound like when God asked you to give away your Nintendo? And he looks at me and says, well, dad, he looks at me and goes Edward, give away your Nintendo. And, gosh, it hit me guys.

Speaker 1: 29:45

That was my voice, my inflection, and what I was doing was I was—I had modeled to him no idea that the first idea that our children have about the way God speaks, one writer says, is the way our Father spoke to us. And so when we're present and loving and kind and gentle, we hear the Lord that way. But when we're rough and we're hard on ourselves, that's why we struggle, because our own internal voice that we have towards ourself gets super hard on our kids. Because who you are at the end of the day, as a man, when stress comes out and your kids are pushing back against you and you just kind of power them the way you power yourself, let me ask you this question when you make a mistake, as a man, or as a father, or as a husband, what is that internal voice that kicks in your heart?

Speaker 1: 31:11

How do you talk to yourself? Because the way you talk to yourself will begin to shape how you talk to your children, especially when you're frustrated. Or maybe how you talk to your wife. How many of you have struggled with anger or with frustration and your wife just kind of backs away because you're so gruff? Well, there'll be days when I'm just like really intense and want to get something done and my wife will come in and be all happy and the next thing I know I'm like in her grill, not confronting her, but my tone and it's like what? And it's like that's that voice that leaks out of us, one of the ways to heal what we're talking about tonight that that place inside of you where you, as a father, you know, you know, without you know, planning on, get reactionary and you begin really hurting your sons and your daughters. And the way you speak to them is the way you fix that with your kids is not to just say I'm never going to do that again. That's a great vow to make.

Speaker 1: 32:46

The truth of the matter is you've changed your own internal song with yourself, with God. It'll change the way you speak to your children. It'll make you listen more. It'll make you listen more. It'll make you understand more, because the Scripture will inform you about gentleness and kindness and love more than anything else you do. And when you learn that, it changes so many relationships around you. It changes your ability to have a friend, it changes your ability to have many friends and you know, because I meet men all the time. I have men's groups that we do here locally in Southern California and some guys just they'll even say I'm my own worst enemy, and so we can change our spots by self-hatred. And the problem with that is the fruit of that bitterness, even towards yourself, because we've been talking about bitterness gets flavored into you as a man and comes out towards your children and they feel like they're always in trouble. And the way to do that is that you fix that relation. You invite God the Father in your story to come in and begin to change that about your life.

Speaker 1: 34:15

Now I wrote in here. You know that comes from chapter 1 here and we're sort of towards the end of chapter 1. It's about the Father's blessing. Why we need it. See, we were made by God for a purpose, and when our fathers are there to love and bless us, it gives us courage to become who God's created us to be. And that's your role. And your role is not to be the perfect dad. Your role is to model as best as you can how God the Father would treat them. Well, ed, you say. Well, nobody's perfect, it's not about being perfect.

Speaker 1: 34:54

Just imagine what could change between you and a son or a daughter that maybe you're sideways with, if you approach that relationship instead of with statements and frustration. You approach that relationship with love and joy, and I think it could mean all the difference in the world. I think it could mean all the difference in the world. And so I think that, yeah, we're having the same issue again. No-transcript, do you guys hear me now? That's so embarrassing. Well, anyway, we'll figure this out. It just won't happen again. So, yes, yes, we're back. We changed Something happened Different microphone. Not sure why all that happened, but anyway, I want to pray with you guys about what we are talking about and it's you doing some business with God about that, your own internal voice towards yourself.

Speaker 1: 39:13

And so when I ask you how many of you guys struggle in your own self-talk towards yourself? How many of you guys struggle in your own self-talk towards yourself? You know, how many times do you are you, you know, in a reaction mode with your children? And many times those things happen because, you know, my worst days with my kids happened because of me not nurturing myself and spending time with God. When I learned to hear from him for me, it gave me the words and the grace in the life to be about what I need to. And when he says in 2 Corinthians 6, 18, I will be a father to you and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord, god Almighty God, the Father's plan is to father you so you can be the best father you can be to your kids. That's what our program is about. That is what we're due.

Speaker 1: 40:13

Maybe you're interested in connecting and getting this book, if you've not already got it the FatherDifferencecom. There's a free book of my bestselling the Difference a Father Makes that we give away for free and it's available to you. If you've not gotten a copy yet, you can get it right now. You don't have to go to Kindle or anything. You can get it. It'll be a free book for you to read on your Kindle and we'd love for you to have that. And if you're saying, ed, I'd love to know more about the coaching group that you have, and well, you can go right here If you'll put in this code right here and copy this I know it's kind of long you can get access free access, right now to our online coaching program and it'll give you videos and things to teach you how to really be that father that God has really called you to be, and we'd love for you to be a part of that.

Speaker 1: 41:23

Be looking, we've got some new products coming out and new things, and right now we're going through this book, the Father You've Always Wanted. And boy oh boy, there we go again. I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm going to pray, because this is definitely a crazy business that we are involved in, and every time I begin to pray and for a prayer, and so, for all those that are left, thank you for your comments. If you're still hanging on Instagram and Facebook and YouTube, this has been a crazy in and out and in and out freezing up. Oh boy, there it is again, so post a comment for it. Okay, so, anyway, we are sending all that out, not sure why. Check back tomorrow for special video for you. Okay, so, okay, so, anyway, I guess that we are done and the stream is completely locked up. Have a wonderful night. God bless you. Bye-bye.