Reaching Your Distant Child

When your child’s eyes say “Whatever,” most dads reach for a sharper lecture. We chose a different road: start by receiving love, then lead with empathy, presence, and rapid repair. This conversation maps a practical path for fathers, grandfathers, and father-figures who want to reconnect with kids who feel distant and disillusioned—and do it without sacrificing truth or standards.

• Receiving the Father’s love to heal wounds
• Modeling confession, forgiveness, and repair
• Setting clear expectations without exasperation
• Building emotional safety for honest talk
• Releasing bitterness toward your own father

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Chapters

• 0:00 Mission And Welcome
• 1:15 Switzerland Stories And Painting Breakthrough
• 4:55 The Challenge Of Distant Kids
• 6:44 A Generation Under Assault And Awakening
• 9:45 Receive The Father’s Love First
• 15:20 Modeling Empathy Over Superiority
• 18:05 Speak Grace And Affirm Strengths
• 23:50 Presence, Play, And Shared Moments
• 28:30 Routines And Asking What They Need
• 31:20 Practice Forgiveness And Repair
• 36:20 Do Not Exasperate Your Children

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

What kind of father do you want to be? What kind of man do you want to become for your family and for yourself? If you've ever wondered how to step into the fullness of your role as a father, husband, and man of God, then you're in the right place. Here at the Father Difference, our mission is to inspire and equip men to be the best fathers they can be. It's a powerful mission. And today, we're going to explore exactly how you can take steps toward that calling. Whether you're a father, a son, a husband, grandfather, single dad, stepfather, or just looking to grow, I believe God has something powerful for you in today's message. Whether you're tuning in live or watching this later, we are so excited to have you here. If this is what you're looking for, then subscribe so you can tune in each week to the Father Difference Live. You can sign up below. And now your host, a husband, father, grandfather, author, and former NFL player, Pastor Ed McGlass.

SPEAKER_00: 1:15

Hey, well, it's good to see you. I have missed you this last uh gosh, it's been about six weeks of travel and being with my grandkids in Switzerland. We had some epic times just connecting as a grandpa, being yelled at by my uh little uh young granddaughters in German at times, not yelling, but communicating with their papa and with my uh beautiful bride Jill. And uh so glad to be home and so glad to be with you and and really excited about the series that we're in because it's the same thing in Switzerland as it is here in the whole idea of how do I reach my my kids when they're distant, when they're as a dad, how do I break through, you know, that barrier where they're they give you kind of the whatever face or whatever hand. And believe it or not, it's the same in Switzerland. And thanks for the love that you guys are shooting to me. And and and the real coach, just uh man, that guy is he's serious business man. He's one of my favorite guys. And uh, and so welcome Ray. Ray Diggs is there and uh with you. And uh one of the things that I got to do, which is one of my favorite things, you might not know this about me, but I'm also an artist, I'm a painter, I'm a plain air painter, and I actually was on the side of a mountain. I'm gonna start with this, and uh yet no, this is not Disneyland. Yes, this is the Matterhorn from the side of a mountain, a painting that I started there outside, and it was there was a storm covering the entire mountain and me when I went up on the mountain, praying that God would break through. And for about three and a half, four hours, this we had a breakthrough to what you see right here. And I got to start blocking in this uh amazing mountain there in Switzerland. And but by the way, this uh if you're interested in any of my paintings, I have a number of them. Our studio is going to be offering those towards uh later this fall and for donations. And if you're interested in supporting our ministry and you want to get a painting at the same time from some of these classic mountains, uh you send me a message and you can I'll put you in line. We I got five uh paintings there the Mount Frau, the Iger that's had the most people die trying to climb it, and the Matterhorn, and a couple of other just epic mountainscapes in a time of rest. So thanks for your prayers. Thanks for this time. It was incredibly refreshing. We lived as Swiss people, and uh yours truly hit his head at least 25 or 30 times on the ceiling in my daughter's old Swiss house that had five and a half foot ceilings. So I was I couldn't be 6'4 for a lot of time. And so let us know where you're watching. Uh would love for you to just send me a message, and we'd love to uh be with you today. So today we're gonna talk about in your family, your kids, how to reach your kids when when they're distant, when they're when they're struggling in their life. And as a matter of fact, when I was in Switzerland, this was the very topic that came up over and over and over again with Swiss parents, German parents, to where they're their kids are like, I don't need you anymore in my life. And they're kind of pushing you away and pushing you back. And uh and so grateful to be able to think through this and and kind of uh lay out just a couple of thoughts for you to do. Well, there's a number of things first I want to say is that all the latest statistics that are out now with this next generation of young people is they have, I think they're under tremendous assault from the devil. And part of it is I think they're an amazing generation that God's gonna use. And and we've seen in our country and around the world the smatterings of the spirit of God moving. And as a result of God moving, you see this incredible uh outpouring of the Holy Spirit through our country, throughout Europe, there's these gatherings of young people around worship that are extraordinary. And so on one side, there's incredible breakthrough starting to happen with the generation of our children, our teenagers, and our college-age kids around the world. We went to an amazing church there, got to preach on Easter Sunday, and there's there's breakthrough for this generation of young people. They, some of them don't want the faith of their family, if it's religious, they want to encounter the living Christ. They want to encounter him in worship, in prayer, in power, in forgiveness, in life. And I'm just so grateful to watch that in Switzerland. We actually got invitations back to come back uh next year and to do some preaching and and ministry there, which we can't wait to do. I think it's gonna be one of our countries because my grannies are there, my amazing grandchildren, my amazing daughter, and my amazing son-in-love, who's married to Mary and his family. And so, how don't we reach these kids? Well, here's a couple of things. If you've been with me for anything, this might be a little bit of a review, but I would love your questions or comments. And one is number one, first slide here, is that we've got to to be the parents that God's called us to be, the very first thing that needs to happen is that we've got to embrace God's fatherhood to heal our own wounds. You can't kind of put on an understanding of blessing and being the kind of parent that really makes a difference with your children if you yourself aren't partaking. See, we're we're able to give away what we've received. We're not able to give away what we know. I wish we could. I wish I could just preach a little sermon to my kids, and and my kids then go, Oh, I got it now. But it's the sermon we live that we believe that we in in the God that we've encountered. And here is a great verse in 1 John 3, verse 1. See what a great love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called the children of God. John encountered God the Father for himself through the love of Jesus for him. And God's plan is that we would all encounter this great love that God has for us. And the more we receive that for ourselves, the more we have to give to our children. And it's not that we're his beloved sons and daughters that he loves. And that's such a powerful identity when you receive that for yourselves. It's not something you just claim and live in, it's something that you can receive. It's something incredibly powerful for you, incredibly powerful for your family. Because, and and I've taught you this before, and I've learned it over and over again. I can only give away those things that I've received from God. I wish I could just give away what I know. It would be less work. But I can only give away those things that I've received. The result of that great love that he has on us gives us three things to think about with our kids. Number one, as we receive our own sonship, or if you're a gal here, your own daughtership in your life, you've got to accept God's love as your perfect father. You might have had a great dad in your life or no dad in your life. But the more you receive that for yourself, the more it impacts your own core identity as a man, as a father, or if you're a gal here watching as a gal. It's the only true identity for you to receive that will really change your relationship, not only with God Himself, but also with your children. Because your children know when you're preaching at them, but they also know when you're coming at them as a son, like you're calling them to be. See, when you've received your sonship in your own adoption as a beloved son, your children will see that in you more than your role in the church, more than all the scripture you know, more than all the rules that you might put on them. They want to know how they can live a life like a son or like a daughter. See, you know, when you when you begin to identify and release all those issues you had with your dad, guess what happens? Your dad could even be the greatest God in the world. But the more you've learned to receive from the father, the more it begins to shape and change your heart towards your kids. That's what the you know, the father difference ministry is about. When God the Father makes a difference in you and fathers you the way he fathered his son Jesus, and the more you receive from them, the more you have for your kids. And the third thing that that strikes me about that is that when we model God's fatherly empathies, in other words, the way he's fathered you, we're going to connect with our kids' hearts. I mean, just think about uh the last time you had to confront an issue with one of your kids, a sin or something in their own life, and you came at it in a way to where it's son, I know exactly what you're going through because I I blew it just like you, versus I can't believe you did that, being my son, and et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, to where they think that the standard for their life is higher than the standard for your life. You got to release that. Here's the next idea. When you begin to model that, that realness and that incarnational life of you needing to be have God as your father, it's gonna make them hungry. And so as a result of that, one of the things that the one of the first things that happened in my own heart is I began to speak affirmation into my children, the same way God the Father would through scripture was speaking to me. And I love this scripture in Colossians, it says, you know, talking about relationships between one another in the body of Christ, but you can apply this as well as being a father. Let your conversations always be full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. I mean, imagine what a what a picture that is. And you know, being a carnivore and eating as healthy as I can possibly eat, and and learning about this, is that a steak tastes so much better with butter and salt. Well, so does a conversation that's filled with grace. It tastes so much better to your children if you're presenting it to them, just full of the grace of how God has loved you, versus from a place of superiority or from a place where they believe that you're gonna only love them if they get it right, which I deal with in coaching with a lot of kids. A lot of the prisons that were shaped for them were shaped by the way their dads many times and their moms at times talked to themselves, the way they lived out their relationship with Jesus. And so imagine doing it in such a way that it's full of grace because you're so grateful for what God has done for you. And it doesn't lose its power, you know, and you're presenting it. So you know how to answer somebody. And so there are times when you just, you know, I I've had moms that I've been coaching that started out with me saying, Well, I just, you know, my way is I just tell my kids the truth. Well, there's times when you hold back from confronting them, or you might push your heart away so far that they don't listen to you anymore. And how quickly we err on trying to get them to obey the truth, because we've been modeled that way, or in some ways we believe we've got to get it right for God to love us. And we forget that the gospel is all about that Jesus got it right. So that when we bring our brokenness to him, his grace upon our brokenness enables us to have a relationship with him and his father the same way he did. Gosh, that's just blesses me. So, what's this look like? Well, use the words like I believe in you. Find something that you really want to connect them with. Even when they're giving you the whatever, I want to talk to you. You begin, you begin to ask the Lord, Father, show me what you're doing with my son or my daughter, that I can kind of partner with you. And when you see their strengths and their efforts to get there, don't don't just reward them at perfection. Find something that you can celebrate in their life. It might be just a little win. That's incredibly powerful for them in their life. Incredibly powerful for them. You know, it helps to build trust then through this consistent uh encouragement. And see, the way the way I kind of frame this for me and my own family is I'm always sharing about my brokenness of the things that I've blown and how God's come through for me. And it gives my kids hope. But I spent years going, you know, you're a pastor's son now, and people are gonna be watching you, and you got to live up to the level. Well, what pressure that is on them. You know why it's such pressure? I can't even live that way as a pastor. And we know if you, you know, as a leader, as a spiritual leader, what we model we get. And so if we're all if the only way that somebody knows you in the church is from your sermons on Sunday, and you're preaching them the repent of their sin, and you don't model that to them, well, they're gonna get discouraged, and they're guess what? They're gonna run away. Here's the next thing to think about be present and create shared moments with them. There's nothing more important than you being present with your children. Boy, I struggle with this as a dad because I was always trying to build something for God. I was always, you know, trying to get to the next level. And I missed a lot of great shared moments with my kids. And it was like, we understand, dad, that you're serving the Lord. Well, you know what? Playtime is just as supernatural and powerful as preaching sermons or sharing Christ with somebody. You do it with them. You got to create these moments. And I love the scripture in Romans. It's just be devoted to one another in love. And it's talking about the church coming together, and and and it's, you know, people are gonna know that we're Christians by the way, we love one another. And, you know, we honor one another above yourself. Though what if we did that in our families, too? Incredibly powerful. You know, when you honor one another above yourself, you're always trying to honor and sh and to give honor where you see it. Well, here's a couple of ways in a family here, you know, dedicate time uh for just shared activities. You know, in early days, it was everything is kind of round the floor. My my granddaughters back with them, kind of reliving, you know, my first round of fatherhood, second round of fatherhoods being a grandpa, it's just painting with them, playing with them, pushing them on a swing outside, chasing them around the house, hitting my head on the ceiling over and over again. You know one thing I learned, I learned to turn my baseball cap backwards so I could see the beams. And boy, that helped tremendously. You know, be emotionally available during interactions. You know, ask questions where you're you're calling them into a conversation, and that's so important for them. It's so important for them to feel like you really care about what they're going through. Not like, could you just get over this? And you're not just trying to talk them out of it or give them a scripture and say, why are you doubting? You share your own doubts, you say your own struggles. That's powerful. And just create these routines that foster connection. You things that you can do as a mom or a dad to where you're constantly connecting. Now, I'll give you a secret to this one. Ask this question How would you like me to be your mom in this next season? Or to be your dad? What are some things that dad can do that would really show you how much I love you? And just listen. They might be hurt and pushed back, and you kind of press in to ask for forgiveness, but when they open their heart, just do them. And when you do, it just means so much to them. And I have adult children right now with their own children who need time from me a certain way. And so I asked them, how can I be your dad? What can I do? And Mary was like, Dad, I like to paint with you. And we did, we went out and and painted together. We went out and and and and did uh uh did paintings together in the middle of the Alps. It was just so much fun. Next thing is the next point is model asking for forgiveness. Now, I've talked to you about this over and over, and I found that this is this is probably the most important thing that you can do in your family to teach them how to break through bitterness and strife. Because most of my coaching, when families call me, they call me about bitterness and they talk about either their children or their teenagers or their separated kids, or even the topic of our discussion, how to reconnect it with a son who's walked away. It's about breaking through and forgiveness. And, you know, one of the ways that you know Paul writes in Colossians 3, 13, he says, bear with one another and forgive one another. Bear with one another. There's a point in relationship where you got to be willing to wait for the moment of reconciliation by really living in this place of forgiving somebody over and over again as they hurt you. Uh, if any of you has a grievance against somebody. And so, you know, Paul's calling, you know, you know, bear, don't draw a line, don't roll in the cannons and blow them up. But forgive as the Lord has forgiven you. So here's your model you forgive your children the way God has forgiven you. That that that is just vital. And so, how often do you do that? Well, let me tell you, you do that as often as you possibly can, because you do it as soon as you know bitterness begins to you know roll into your heart, and that's so important for you to manage and to deal with, because if you don't, the result will be is that you'll lose the heart of your kids and you will teach them how to do this to you when you blow it. So, what does that look like? You admit your mistakes and apologize. You say, Will you forgive me? You get quick at asking for forgiveness. Did I do something that hurt you? Tell me so I can ask for forgiveness. And we've learned, my wife and I have learned that even in a conversation when we feel this with our kids, we try to immediately go, hey, did I just cross the line with you? And we have adult children right now, and we do that. We did that the other day. And I had to make a call today to one of my kids and say, you know, that I hurt you when I said that. Yeah, Dad, you did. Will you forgive me for saying that? Why'd you say that? And then talk them through, you know, and go, you know what? I was trying I was trying to overstep my bounds. That's such a powerful thing for you and for me when we understand that's our role. We've got to model this. Admit your mistakes, help me understand how I hurt you. That's such a powerful way to restore relationships. Well, what if they're doing this to you for a long time? You keep asking that. I mean, I I I've buried too many dads who never did this. And at their funeral, you know, I their kids are just like they don't have much from their father other than the hurt that never got reconciled. And just uh model vulnerability that will really build trust, that'll really build trust. I'm gonna tell you, that's such the more I can model the way I am with Jesus, the more impact I'm gonna have. And you know what, it it's changed my my own story in profound ways when I do that. It's such a powerful thing. Thanks, David, for your comment. Absolutely, my friend. Okay, let's just kind of bring this, get this, you know, kind of drive this bus into the garage. So Ephesians 4 says, Fathers do not exasperate your children, instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Now, Paul's writing this verse to a bunch of dads who've been influenced by a culture, the Ephesians, kind of the Greek culture, that knowledge was power, doing what's right is power, is what you know that it really determines who you are instead of what you do. And so he's he's instructing them. Don't exasperate your children, don't just beat them down when they don't quite get it. Instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Well, what is that? Well, how has God brought you up as a son or a daughter? Let me tell you, man, the way God brings you up is that he fathers you and gives you a lot of room to blow it. And he's always there with the healing bomb to heal your story. Always there. And that's so profound for you and for me in our own life that he doesn't just cut us off. But part of what happens is that you can, I don't know, you get in those moments where your kids are frustrating you and you want them to listen to you. That's your goal, that they hear you and they're not listening and they're doing this to you. Well, you need to back away. Well, why is that? Why is that so important? Well, how does God speak to you when you blow it? Then he just nuke you and his audible voice just crushes you until you submit. Or is that that still small voice of the Holy Spirit that's wooing you back when you're a long ways away? See, none of us would be able to survive an encounter with the Lord where he just dominates you and makes you obey. It's by grace we've been saved through faith. It's not of our works, least any man should boast. It's a gift of God. It's a gift of grace that turns our heart. It's the same with your kids. So, what does that look like? See, children they they thrive with this emotional structure and clarity about their own life. And what I mean by that is that they'll thrive when they have a safe emotional place to grow with you when they're not perfect. Them also understanding what you expect of them and and and and how you can be asked this question, which has been one of my you know superpower questions, is how can I be a better father to you? Help me become a better dad and listen and just live out what they ask of you, and you know what happens? They'll open their heart to you. It's extraordinary. It's extraordinary. I've watched this happen with my children, and I'm so grateful that they're doing how often do I have to ask this question? All the time. Because I can tell, you by the way, you can tell when you have the heart of your kids. You can also tell, and they're giving you the whatever, you know, when they're pushing you away, no matter what country you're from. And I was dealing with some dads in Switzerland with their with their own children that have left the church and are doing what they do. And and one of them in a conversation, I was asking him after a church service Well, tell me about your relationship with your son. I mean, what do you love about him? And he said nothing. He's just not. kind of obeying the rule. And I said, So how good are you at ba obeying them? And his eyes went down and he looks up at me. Well I'm working on it. I said, Well is that the kind of way your dad treated you when you got it right? Then you felt his affection? How did he treat you when you got it wrong? Like that was a big disappointment. Imagine if we could fix that in parenting. You know, just uh and and so good. And and boy that's so great Ray that you said that the Holy Spirit just showed you that you've got to forgive your late dad. That is so that is so important and and you never had a chance to reconcile you said but when you know you know when you have a a dad that passes before you and you're not able to to reconcile one of the most powerful things you can do is forgive him because people you know they they sin in places in their life where they don't have God's love and grace in their life. And so I don't I don't know that I've ever met a father who purposely said I'm going to be a monster to my kids. I meet dads all the time that said man I wish I could be a different kind of dad and one of the ways that you can be an incredible father to your children is to make sure you've forgiven your dads completely and you let him off the hook for what he really didn't have to give you. That's so so powerful. Because your dad in a in a real sense gave you everything he had or he would have given you more thanks so much for that Ray. Thanks for that David your comments so here's your next step right here. If you've not already kind of signed up for our academy we have that available for you we're in the midst of reframing and rebranding all of that right now and I'm going to pray for you right now if you want to send me some of your prayer requests uh that would be awesome I got an another comment back from Ray you just hit the nail on the head in my last conversation with my dad he told me exactly what you just said that he did not set out to be a monster to his kids. Wow wow such a powerful moment so grateful for you Ray you're helping us all tonight and that most dads don't and and I've met with some pretty broken dads in their last moments in their last days and they're not like oh gosh they all want to be a better dad be a better father. So how about you? You want to email me at edtane at the fatherdifference dot com that it'd be a a blessing I'd love to help you maybe you're in a need some of some coaching yourself and you you would like to uh connect in and we get a couple of resources for you if you've never seen about our we have a private coaching that you can actually go and if you grab this link you can also get this at our website uh you get a free 15 minute uh private coaching with me that will help you if you'd like if you're interested in learning more about our fatherhood academy we'd be honored to share this with you we're in the midst of rebranding everything and going to have an official launch here soon but I'm so grateful to be with you here tonight. I'm back home from the mountains from my grannies with my friends here online. And so I'd like to pray for you and before we close tonight. So Father thank you for my brothers and sisters that are here I I pray your grace upon them your life in them I'm so grateful for them. I'm so grateful for the men that they're becoming the fathers that are becoming the the sons the grandpas I pray Lord that you would absolutely revolutionize their family and heal the relationship between their sons and daughters and that this year it would be known in their family story even in distant relatives in their families of complete reconciliation of fathers to children children to fathers children to mothers too father I pray you'd bless them you'd be with them you'd fill them you use them as lights in a in a day where there's so much hurt with young people and bring your revival again my father upon our families in the name of the Father Son and Holy Spirit I pray and all God's people said amen hang with me we got uh an end stream a little explanation about uh our fatherhood academy and with love and uh uh father I pray for David him and his wife and child that you would uh father give them the healing that he searches for in jesus holy name bless him father thanks for being with me so grateful we'll talk to you next week if you got a a a gal let him know that uh we have a the difference a mother makes every Thursday at 12 o'clock Pacific Standard time and it's a rich rich time uh for your wives and I actually actually teach them every time we're together about some of the keys of loving the the men of their story or the birth dads of their families to unlock them and not dominate them. So anyway let your wife know about that and you can send that all that to say I've got a little outro to play and the Lord bless you so grateful. Good to be home good to be with you in Jesus' name.

SPEAKER_01: 36:42

Dear friends imagine a world where every father feels equipped to lead with faith love and purpose a world where families thrive and communities grow stronger because of devoted Christ-centered fathers.

SPEAKER_00: 36:57

You know beloved that is the vision that God's put in my heart for every single family you know he is on the move I believe he promises in Malachi that before the great and coming day of the Lord he's gonna do something profound. He's gonna turn the hearts of fathers back towards their children so the hearts of their children will turn back to their father. That's what God is doing. I meet dads daily who want to learn to be better fathers. Yet many have never been shown how too many families are being fractured through bitterness and with parents and grandparents even being canceled. That's why we're launching an online community to quit and to be the fathers that God has called them to be it's more than a program it's a part of a a movement that God is already doing to reshape fatherhood. It's a sacred calling rooted in the teachings of Christ and we're calling this the Fatherhood academy where men will embark on a journey of healing and spiritual restoration that helps them transform their family relationship. And to make this vision a reality would you consider partnering with us financially as we continue to reach and disciple every man, dad and grandpa that comes our way your donation will help create a ripple across the neighborhoods, communities, you know, and ultimately our nation anchoring each child here's a vision in the unwavering love and guidance of a devoted dad.

SPEAKER_01: 38:48

Will you partner with us your gift whether a one-time donation or ongoing monthly support will help to transform lives. Together we can equip fathers and grandfathers to lead with faith and create a brighter hope filled future for generations to come click the link to donate today. Thank you for believing in this mission and joining us on this transformative journey