How Strong Fathers Protect Kids And Heal Families with Patrick Erlandson

One survivor answered a question about trafficking prevention with a sentence that stopped us cold: “I wanted to see my dad love my mom.” That one line pulls the curtain back on something most people miss. Human trafficking is not only a law enforcement problem or an internet problem, but it is also a fatherhood problem, an identity problem, and a family stability problem.

We sit down with Patrick Erlanson, whose journey from early faith to deep disillusionment led him to explore other worldviews before an encounter with Jesus changed the course of his life. His work with UNHCR (United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees) and later with trafficking prevention exposed him to the brutal mechanics of exploitation and the way predators target kids who feel unseen, unprotected, or unsure of who they are. 

From there, we shift to solutions that start at home. We unpack what makes a father trustworthy, why kids need consistency more than perfection, and how practicing repair through real forgiveness can heal a family. We also explore identity and adoption as a gospel anchor: being chosen, named, and made an heir, which strengthens children against counterfeit identities offered by traffickers and a confused culture. 

If you care about Christian fatherhood, strong marriages, protecting children, and rebuilding family leadership, this conversation is for you. Subscribe, share this with a dad who needs it, and leave a review with the one takeaway you’re bringing home.

📩 Connect with Father-Con:
Website: www.father-con.org
X: @father_con
IG: @father.con
FB: /FatherConEvents
Threads: @father.con

Patrick Erlandson SM:
IG: @patrickerlandson
Threads: @patrickerlandson

Visit www.thefatherdifference.com/links for a free book download and information about personal coaching.

Transcript

The Fatherhood Calling

SPEAKER_03 0:00

What kind of father do you want to be? What kind of man do you want to become for your family and for yourself? If you've ever wondered how to step into the fullness of your role as a father, husband, and man of God, then you're in the right place. Here at the Father Difference, our mission is to inspire and equip men to be the best fathers they can be. It's a powerful mission. And today, we're going to explore exactly how you can take steps toward that calling. Whether you're a father, a son, a husband, grandfather, single dad, stepfather, or just looking to grow, I believe God has something powerful for you in today's message. Whether you're tuning in live or watching this later, we are so excited to have you here. If this is what you're looking for, then subscribe so you can tune in each week to the Father Difference Live. You can sign up below. And now your host, a husband, father, grandfather, author, and former NFL player, Pastor Ed McGlassen.

Meet Patrick Erlanson

SPEAKER_00 1:14

Well, welcome. Here I am again, Ed Tenny McGlassen, your host at the Father Difference Podcast. And today I have a incredible, incredible guest, and I would say new friend who's just got such an amazing heart of reaching people that are lost. He worked in human trafficking and ministers there. And if you're not signed up, you need to sign up. And it's gonna be a powerful event there in LA. And the uh the mayor pro tem has this incredible desire to really help heal fatherhood. And so yours truly got to be one of the speakers there. They got a they got a great lineup, and I'm just really excited about that. We're gonna get the clips that we can and and broadcast some of it. But more than even that, this guy, Patrick Erlanson, this Swedish guy that God got a hold of. We're gonna hear his amazing story, and and I'll probably say it wrong, but it's a me it's it's Mika, right?

SPEAKER_01 2:35

Machiko is my wife.

SPEAKER_00 2:37

Machiko, machiko. I know how to order sushi, but don't know how to speak Japanese. Machiko Sunka? Sunka and Aika.

SPEAKER_01 2:49

There you go. You got it.

SPEAKER_00 2:51

So welcome to the Father Difference Podcast, my great friend Patrick Erlanson.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

Thank you so much, Ed. It is such an honor to be here. What a great title for a program, the Father Difference. This is something that I've been like dedicated my life to ever since I was working on the prevention of human trafficking and discovered this incredible, overlooked intersection between what was happening with fathers and the vulnerability of our children.

SPEAKER_00 3:21

Well, tell me a little bit how you tell them a little bit about your story about how you connected with Jesus and how God grabbed your heart for those who are invisible to much of the world.

SPEAKER_01 3:35

Yeah. Well, the God grabbing my heart started very young. I used to read, my family was Catholic, so I grew up in a Catholic home, and I used to read the lives of the saints. That was the my my nourishment as I was growing up. And I always thought I'd become a priest. That was my that was kind of my goal and my intended goal in my life. And then when I was about 14, I went to a retreat for boys who were going to become priests, and I was horrified. I it it shattered my faith in in the Catholic Church. It shattered my faith in in God, in Christianity. And so I felt really like driven to find, well, what's the answer? If if if the Bible's not the answer, then what is? And so I started researching everything I could find on Buddhism and Hinduism and American Indian beliefs and even Marxism. I was just like searching for what could possibly make sense of the world that we're living in. And then I left, I hitchicked across America, and I stayed with my uncle, who was a Trappist monk at a monastery in South Carolina.

SPEAKER_00 4:38

Sounds like you had a forced gump experience. It was kind of like only I wasn't running. You weren't running now. You got Nick, I'll go running now. Yeah. I was running towards something, but I didn't know quite what.

Refugee Work And A Horrific Report

SPEAKER_01 4:52

Yeah. So I ended up in South Carolina, and then that was after picking apples in Wisconsin. That's what funded my whole trip. And then ended up in South Carolina. Then I went to Washington, D.C. and met with a Swami, a Hindu swami. And then I went to New York and I went to Dorothy Day's the Catholic Worker Farm. Actually met Dorothy Day, which is quite an experience. And then went to a Buddhist monastery, decided that Buddhism, at least, it didn't have like this doctrine that fractured everybody into their own little churches and into denominations. So I figured, well, I just devote myself to Zen Buddhism, although I knew that that wasn't really what God wanted for me. And then it was like on a trip hitchhiking in Northern California that I was invited to a lecture about Jesus. And I went and it it just opened my heart in a whole new direction and understanding Jesus from a whole different perspective than before. And he became real to me. I remember after the talk, I went out into the hills and just went up onto a hilltop and just started praying. And at that time, I just started seeing vision after vision after vision of what we've done to the beauty of God's creation, what we've done to our human family, just the murder, the wars, all of the things that we've done, starving children. I just saw one scene after the other. And then this voice, very humble, very clear voice, just said to me, This is my family. And I was broken. And it was like that's when I returned my life to God, dedicated myself to God. But also it really set me on a course. Um, this was many years ago, but it it set me on a course to really uh appreciate God as parental. And that I've really come to believe that God's whole motivation for creating was this parental urge to bring to bring children into the world, an offspring that he could love and and experience and grow with and and that could really be close to him in heart. And so I I my life has taken a lot of ups and downs in that course, but I ended up working for the Long Beach Human Trafficking Task Force. And this was after learning about human trafficking. I don't know if you want me to tell that story about UNHCR when I was working with UNHCR.

SPEAKER_00 7:02

Yeah, man, it's all part of your story. Powerful.

SPEAKER_01 7:04

Yeah. This was so I I became an English teacher when I was living in Japan for eight years from '92 to 2000 and came back to America in 2000 just in time for 9-11. Yeah. And and then I mean a whole series of things. My wife and I opened a thrift store. We wanted to support projects in Africa. We did that for a few years until the owner sold the building out from under us. I went back to teaching. And then the United Nations, this was at the time of the Arab Spring, and we just suddenly there were 40 million refugees, people who had were kicked out of their homes or left their homes around northern Africa up into Syria. And so the United Nations then was dealing with this huge influx of people over a very short period of time that had to be clothed and housed and fed. And so I quit my job teaching and went to go work with the UNHCR in Los Angeles. And they, I mean, we really needed to raise awareness of what refugees were going through and raise funds to be able to support them. And so in the course of that, we used to get field reports from the agents that are working on the ground in Africa and Southeast Asia and around the world. And this one report came in, and it was of children escaping from South Sudan and crossing, trying to get to Israel, because in Israel they would be, they would be taken in as refugees and could work. So a lot of these were unaccompanied minor children. And they would have to cross Egypt. And this group of Bedouins would patrol the border of Egypt, the very southern border. And when the refugees came in, they would welcome them into their community and feed them and sing songs and celebrate with them and promise that they would take them the next day to the border to eat to Israel. In fact, they would call for a doctor to come down from Cairo who would then come in the night, drug the children, and then remove their organs while they were still alive and then bury them in the desert. And I was so horrified by the story. There was just something about this betrayal of children. And many of these children had already seen their parents killed. They'd already seen such horror and were very traumatized. And then they have this deception of friendliness and support turn turn into their murder. It was it was kind of too much. And I started researching everything I could find on the exploitation of children and the like child soldiers, all the different things that were happening where children were being exploited. And then I met someone here, Carissa Phelps, who was she was trafficked around the age of 12 here in California in the Central Valley. And her story also was just so moving. She was 12 years old, she was still wearing cartoon character underwear, and she was being sold to men in gas station bathrooms. And I've been in a lot of gas station bathrooms, and the the thought of a 12-year-old child going through what she went through on a regular basis was also just really heart-wrenching. And so realizing how prevalent human trafficking was here is it's it's all across the country. It's one of the heaviest states for trafficking.

SPEAKER_00 10:20

How come there's not more outrage about this? You know, in in California. Is that that so many people are tied into I don't know, the wickedness of this, the finances, they just don't want to look at it?

SPEAKER_01 10:33

I mean, I think there's I think there's both. I mean I think there's I mean nothing has nothing has propelled, especially the sexual side of human trafficking, because there's also labor trafficking. And we have huge problems with people coming across the border that are then exploited into labor here. But the sex trafficking, it's it's very much driven by the porn pornography industry. And so the the the valley, the San Fernando Valley, was the center of legal porn production in the world. And so so we had an we have an industry here in California that's very much entrenched with the sex industry. You have Hollywood, which has become so anti-religious, where there's just a celebration of lust, a celebration of using other human beings for your own sexual gratification. There's there's so many things in California where it has become more and more and more moved away from religious principles and even spiritual principles, even that our lives matter more than just the physical gratification that we can get. So I think there's a lot of things that contribute here in California. We also have a very we have an influx of people coming in and large numbers. We did until recently when we have more people moving out, but we won't go there. But the number of people that moved into California from everywhere in the world. I once heard that Los Angeles is the most diverse place on the planet in all of human history. There are people from every single country, every culture, every ethnicity living in Los Angeles. And so they bring with them things from their own culture. And also they're they're in a new place, and they're that makes them exploitable. They they don't understand the language, they don't understand the culture. So it's very easy for traffickers to manipulate that lack of security. So I think there's a lot of reasons why it it became so entrenched in California. Nothing has nothing has kind of fueled and fed the trafficking of human beings like the sexual revolution of the 1960s, and that became so much a part of the counter-culture of California. So I think all of those things kind of like work together to to make this a lot.

SPEAKER_00 12:37

It's kind of like, you know, the devil introduced all this. You know, why have families if you just have sex with anybody you want to?

SPEAKER_01 12:44

Exactly.

unknown 12:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:45

I mean, why don't you have to do that?

SPEAKER_00 12:46

But why you know why just hook up and break up, which is you know, a big part of the crazy culture of the broken, and yet they're so fractured. Well, and a couple of things online.

SPEAKER_01 12:58

Yeah, a couple of things contributed too. I mean, I think the no-fault divorce, when no-fault divorce was passed, you know, where it was no longer considered like the norm that once you got married, you stayed married. I mean, it became once we get tired of each other, we can we can split and without consequence. And I think also the the arrival of the pill, which granted there may be some good good benefits that have come from being able to control pregnancy in it so that abortions don't occur. But the downside was massive, and that we s we now created a a medicine to make your body not do what it's designed to do. And it's it's very interesting. There's a a book called the the the gender the gender uh the genesis of gender. Very interesting. And the woman who wrote it, who is a convert to Christianity, she she drew this parallel between the apple in the Garden of Eden and what the pill opened up. And it was like the the temptation of Lucifer was, you know, eat this fruit and and you will be like God. That's right. And then the pill was eat this and you'll become like man. So you no longer have to be responsible. You can just have sex with whoever. You no longer had to consider the consequences. Isn't that amazing? I I that uh that's powerful. That's powerful. Yeah, and I think it's really true. And so you had this, then you had this explosion of sexual activity, which ended up resulting in more abortions and the need for the need for more abortion.

Broken Fathers Create Vulnerability

SPEAKER_00 14:30

But now they have the secret pill that they're just giving. So you the abortion clinic is moved into the bathroom in the gas station. Where they take a pill. Yeah, that's yeah, advanced. You know, and it's just it's it's devastating. But guess what? I've read the book and Jesus wins in the end of the game. That's that's right. Wow, that's that's that's powerful. So so then there's came to shift. You have this one side of you that is very much involved in in helping this this whole place. It's a huge issue. And then and so but you you understand that the roots of child trafficking and all of this stuff are broken fathers.

SPEAKER_01 15:16

Yeah. So that became clear after eight years of working on prevention. We did a lot of activities, a lot of outreach, we're teaching and all these things about human trafficking. And but then every survivor that I spoke with had a father issue and a father, a father story that led them to being vulnerable. And one really stood out. I I talked to this one one young woman who was trafficked when she was a very young teenager and brutal. Her treatment was just horrid. And and I asked her, what would have made it so that you didn't listen to this guy who brought you into this life and and caused such damage to you? And I said, What what would have made a difference that you wouldn't have gone down that path? And she looked at me straight without any hesitation. She said, I wanted to see my dad love my mom. And I was I was so struck by that, that it was like when we when when children grow up and they see their their mother and father fighting or angry or torn apart, and they're the fruit of that. They're the fruit of these two people who hate each other, and it's so unsettling, and and they can't see the presence of God in in their parents, and then they can't see their own their own identity as being of God. And so this and this is a this is such a tragedy on such an amazing scale. And that and now, you know, that so what I saw was that fathers really intersect with trafficking and the vulnerability of children in a really major way. And part of that comes from men believing that they're not that important, that that they don't matter as much as the mother. And so we called my organization Father Con because I believe men are getting conned. We get conned into believing that we can do whatever we want. That's right. That's right. So long as we say the right words, you know, our kids are gonna follow what we say, and it doesn't matter what we do, and that so long as the mother's there, the father doesn't really matter. And so so men have believed this, and and this has led to our current crisis of sexual.

SPEAKER_00 17:10

And yet they, you know, once you once you father a child, and it's 50% of you, yeah, and you get your vote taken away. There's a there's a organization my daughter's a part of. My daughter's uh an RN, and but she gives her time to ministering the girls and doing ultrasounds.

SPEAKER_01 17:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:34

And and they also do the ultrasound in front of the birth daddy, the baby daddy. And when he sees it with the mother, yeah, yeah, it's the numbers, it's almost like a 90% chance now they won't have an abortion. But what they found was men have been so marginalized out of this, and yet, you know, God, you know, gave the man right in the garden, he gave the man this this incredible power to participate in this in an incredible gift of sex in a marriage to be 50% of that child's genetics. Yeah, yeah. And I and I and one of the things that and we've talked about this a lot, I I coach a lot of men in Father Academy and and uh and a number of men who've gone through really ugly divorces, of course, every divorce is ugly.

SPEAKER_02 18:38

Yeah.

Reviving Fatherhood With Evidence

SPEAKER_00 18:39

And one of the ways that moms they think they're doing a benefit to the child, they're sort of punishing the man because of maybe many things they didn't get in their marriage, or many times a lot of girls, they uh they'll divorce a guy who didn't become the father they hoped he would be to them. They have such bad daddy issues that they're you know, they so they're punishing this guy in divorce, and yet their children are completely sideways without that father in that story. And then the guys uh you said it so well, are sitting over here just uh with this level of shame and guilt that they can't even see their kids. And so I work a lot with them to help reconnect, and it's incredibly powerful for a man. And you might have made a baby somewhere and you're watching this, and this is bringing up a lot of stuff, and let me tell you, keep hanging on here and and check out my friend here. And if you're in the LA area and you want to get involved, little mini commercial here, sign up for FatherCon. You you gotta do it. It's gonna, it's a powerful event in Los Angeles, and it's gonna be in Compton. Yeah, straight into Compton, straight into Compton. I I I love Compton. I used to coach little league football, and when we went into Compton to play them incredibly gifted, fast uh kids playing football, I taught my I taught my team if we don't tackle them in the background, in the back right away, it's gonna be an 85-yard touchdown. They're so gifted, and I played with them in the National Football League. You gotta tackle them early, or God's giving them a gift, and brother be gone right down the field. So as you were involved with this, and now you also have added in to this this favor from God to really affect this big question that it sounds like is how do we how do we fix the fatherhood crisis?

SPEAKER_01 20:51

Well, I I I think one thing is we have to s really start celebrating fatherhood again. Like we really need a revival. This is like a this is what we consider our mission is we need to bring a revival of fatherhood on our understanding of it is really critically important. And I don't think there were, you know, there weren't even really studies done on the importance of the father until about 30, maybe a little over 30 years ago. There was almost nothing. All the studies were done on the mother and how important the mother was. And the more that they study it, the more that they look at it, you realize that this is that the father is absolutely essential. And I'll just give you a couple ways. One, there was this very a long study done, it was over 26 years, that showed that the father actually inspires the child to be empathetic more than the mother, which is really like to me, it was just so counterintuitive. It was just not what at all what I would have expected. You think that the mother's the one who's sacrificing so much that the children would learn empathy from her.

SPEAKER_00 21:44

Because you know, that child, he has this desire to be known by his dad, right? And he's got this question constantly. Oh, constantly. What does my dad think about me?

SPEAKER_01 21:54

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:55

And when that and when you learn to press in and celebrate what You love about him and opens that heart to being empathetic. Yeah. Versus just, you know, be a tough kid, you know. I mean, my my stepdad used to say, you got to toughen up, boy, and go kick some puppies. And I, you know, lost my dad and killed an action. I'll go, what? Kicking puppies? You know, it's like he had, I don't know, guess what? His daddy told it to him. And guess what? His his father heard it from his great-grandfather. So it's just like, you know, what the heck is this? But there's this, and you're so right, there's this empathy. I know in my own story is that my heart is completely shifted with my kids and now my grandkids. Yeah. When when I understood, and here's what guys want. They want to be able to win as a dad. They want to have some wins where they feel like they're really needed, they're wanted, and they're celebrated. Yeah. Yeah. By the birth mom or by the mom. But and the greatest thing is when your kids celebrate you.

Identity Confusion And Cultural Drift

SPEAKER_01 23:09

There's no better feeling, I think, than that. I mean, it's just like it's it's such an incredible. I I think we've we've gotten so off on this materialistic standard of success, you know, where it's it's all about what we achieve of material things. The material things are really valuable because they help us to support our families and create the environment for them to grow, grow well in. But this this measure of my success as a man that that I you know I achieved this certain kind of material success, I think it really needs to shift. I think it needs to shift to where our our measure of success is in our parenting.

SPEAKER_00 23:42

Yeah, I mean, if you think about, you know, when we had, you know, when the Great Depression came around, it used to be up to that time, family was about dinner at nighttime, being together, mom and dad loving each other, kids there. It was uh your connection to that family. Yeah. And then after the depression came, many families were forced to to separate and go work and survive. And that nucleus, that family really got interrupted. You know, World War uh II comes around, and then the next thing right around the corner is the crazy, you know, the 50s and 60s, and all of a sudden, now, you know, go. It's kind of like you say to the chicken, you know, once you hatch, you need to go out and find out if you're a chicken or if you're a rooster or if you're a lamb or if you got you know alien DNA. I mean, think about all of the the searching of children today that they don't know who they are. And it's not because they're trying to be, you know, necessarily evil. The need to have identity as a child is crucial to life. Matter of fact, as a man or as a father, many dads who struggle, and moms, they struggle because their core identity is about performance. Or like the the ultimate curse that Adam got in the garden. We talked about this before, and one of the things is that you're gonna what? Earn your living by the sweat of your brow. So it's all about making a living. It's all about trying to make it happen. And yet you can do all that if you lose the heart of your kids and who are you?

SPEAKER_01 25:34

Yeah. Yeah. I think we're we're we're now giving birth to children with the rug pulled out from under them already. Yes. Because it I mean, you have this combination of things where they're not clear about their identity, especially we have so many boys. One out of every four children now is growing up without their father in America. It's the highest in the world of any country. And so already they're missing half of who they are. That's that's gone. And then you have a culture that's telling them they can be anything they want. That's right. So you have a culture that's now creating this massive confusion where you know there's very little that you can trust. You can't trust your your body, you can't trust like the your your parents, you can't trust religion, you can't trust any of these other things. And then what it comes down to is the only thing to trust is your emotions. And emotions are designed to change. So it's like they're they're hopeless.

SPEAKER_00 26:22

Yeah. Well, if you f you feel it, you must be it. Yeah. Yeah. Right? If you know, in in the 60s it was if it feels good, what, do it. If it tastes good, eat it. And if it smokes good and alters your your mind, smoke it, right? And so everybody began to experiment in that whole thing, and yet that that kind of feeling never, never writes. I I I've had a couple of moments with some of the great NFL players, and they retire, and their sense of identity is lost. Yeah. Yeah. Because they got they don't have 55,000 people in the stands rooting them on. And they they struggle. They struggle with their wife, they struggle with their kids, and they want to be good fathers, they want to be good husbands. But everything in their life was about serving the identity of being a warrior on the football field. And then we we've had way too many of them end their lives prematurely because they just didn't know who they were.

SPEAKER_01 27:36

Yeah, yeah. I think there's a lot of professions where it it becomes your identity. And I think like for law enforcement, a lot of people that are in law enforcement where it becomes so and so intertwined with who they are, um, then when they retire, it's it's very difficult for them.

SPEAKER_00 27:52

Yeah, and then you got great, you know, TV shows like Blue Bloods, which I happen to like that show, right? But it's all about the identity of being a cop.

SPEAKER_01 28:01

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:02

Well, the problem is what if you're a bad cop or you lose your job, then who are you at the end of the day?

Traffickers Steal Names And Roles

SPEAKER_01 28:09

And this is where I our identity is so important. And I think this is especially when you look at human trafficking, what does the trafficker do right off the bat? They give the they give this person a new name. So they take ownership of the person, like they've assigned them a new name. And in many cases, not all, but in many cases, the trafficker will then r tell the girls that they have to call him daddy. So he assumes this position. It's a it's a very satanic kind of taking away of the role of the father and taking it into themselves, which gives them authority and and their identity. Now these girls' identity is intertwined with the person who's exploiting them in this way by taking that role of the father. Trevor Burrus, Jr.

SPEAKER_00 28:51

You know, there's a a a great friend of mine. He's uh he has incredible prophetic dreams, and he had a dream a number of years ago, and he kind of in this dream he kind of he wakes up, he's in that sleeps thing before he totally wakes up, and he's in an auction hall, this dark theater with a big curtain, spotlights come on, and in this room is filled with the the most foul men he's ever been around. And they're all smoking and cussing, and it was just and he's just watching this, and the the the curtain just opens, and then there's all these little children naked and exposed. And the auctioneer grabs a little girl and says, Who will bid for this girl? And an old old just wicked man, adulterer, and all the names of sin, prostitute, sold, to prostitution, and one by one he's watching, he's getting he's actually getting sick to his stomach in the midst of his dream. And the Lord then speaks to him as he's waking up, he goes, Who will bid for my children? Wow. I remember hearing that. I uh I said, Lord, I I want to be one of those that because it's it's a powerful thing. Jesus is the only one, his resurrection power that that comes in us, who can take somebody whose name is meant to be sin, like a a little girl, and change it. And to change our name, yeah, and and make us a new person. And yet for me as a dad and now as a grandfather, I mean I when I when I'm out with my grandchildren, I was at the park the other day, and my granddaughter went to stay on one side of the fence, and and we're in a pretty safe neighborhood, and and yet I knew and I was getting ready to leave, and so I waited and I'm I'm looking around. Because she's a beautiful little girl, and I'm already I'm having to prepare myself all the time, no matter where we go, Disneyland, I'm watching.

SPEAKER_02 31:24

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:25

Every place we go, because that's what fathers and grandfathers do who know who God's made them to be. But guys, I'm gonna tell you, if you're if you're watching this and you're a man and listen to Patrick, a lot of people don't like to hear about trafficking. We're gonna move on to some really exciting things about this conference. And so they basically just kind of tune it out. It's not happening to you, but it's happening, you know, there's there's actually an expose done here about Orange County. It's called the Orange Curtain. It's an expose on how many children are are captured, and even those closer to the border in San Diego, and how many kids are are grabbed. And it it's a pr there's a there's a lot of wickedness. And the and the great, and and I know Patrick will get into this. He shared this with me. The the great defense for your children and grandchildren is a great dad who pays attention.

SPEAKER_01 32:28

Because there's trustworthy. I mean, and it's trustworthy. I think this is the thing that we've lost is this emphasis on integrity and and becoming a trustworthy man. Because that's right. Children need to be able to trust the the father in their life.

SPEAKER_00 32:41

Aaron Powell, so what are what are some things you say trustworthy? Such a great word. What does that look like?

SPEAKER_01 32:47

Well, I mean, I think it it means you have to have a mastery over yourself so that the children know that they can rely on you to be there, like to be can in control of yourself, that you're not out of control, but that you actually have some self-dominance. And I think too many children are growing up in a world that's very chaotic because the the father just he gets angry at the drop of a hat over something that they can't understand. Like, why why is he hangry when I make noise today, but yesterday was fine? And so there's there's such inconsistency in how the children are being treated. And I mean, all of us lose our temper. I mean, all of us have have our weaknesses as men. And then it's like, how do we how do we sit down with our children and apologize? And we need we need to also be able to show them an example of someone. I value my being a person of integrity, and I want you to be able to trust me. And that means more to me than pretending that I don't ever make a mistake. Because we all do.

SPEAKER_00 33:45

Well, see, because you know, it's like one of the things that we talk about in our Father at Academy, and we talked about this when we first met, is that I realized that it's my job to teach my family how to forgive.

SPEAKER_02 33:57

Yeah.

Trustworthy Fathers And Practised Forgiveness

SPEAKER_00 33:58

You know how you do that? By blowing it and going to them and saying, you know what, your dad was really wrong. Will you forgive me? Yep. Matter of fact, we we've removed in our family the word sorry. Sorry means I'm really sort of sorry I did it, but I'm not really, I don't want to humble myself and take responsibility for it. And I don't want to do the forgiveness thing, because the forgiveness thing with God, for it to work, you have to have a transaction for healing.

unknown 34:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:30

You've got to have someone who says, Will you forgive me for that? That's how we get forgiven from God. Father, will you forgive me? And he forgives us because of his perfect work through his son on the cross, right? And then we receive it, right? But if you're if you hurry your kids, what I've learned is I I'll go and say, you know, dad was really wrong. Will you forgive me? Remember when I first learned this, and my daughter just hesitated. I think I think the girls, if you found this, they hesitate just a little longer. Yes, yeah. Yeah. They they sort of want, they want, they're sort of reading the room. Is he really serious about this? Is he gonna do it again? And I always tell them, I will do it again. It'll not be intentional, but I'm brain dead sometimes, right? With that old man. But you forgive me. And when they say yes, I forgive you, there's this transaction of forgiveness where the the work and the blood of Jesus on the cross comes and heals that moment with you and your daughter or your son.

SPEAKER_01 35:38

It's one of the most beautiful things to experience, I think, is that being forgiven by by your daughter. I I've had so many experiences. My older daughter is is adopted, actually. And then we we never told her that she was adopted. It was kind of like our lives were so like in turmoil living in Japan, and we never ended up telling her. We always intended to, we never did, you know, and and when we finally told her, you know, she was 13. And you know, I'm my concern was always like, is does she still feel that I'm her father? Am I still gonna be a father to her? You know, is you know, so the the concern was really how is she gonna feel? Is she still gonna feel like a part of our family? And this was my concern. And then last year, and for Father's Day, I was with my younger daughter and her and her child, and we were we were up in Canada on our way to Niagara Falls together, and everyone else was asleep in the car, and just the two of us were talking. And she started to tell me what it was like for her. Is she still my sister? This is the person I've lived with my entire life who's been my supporter and you know, such an important part of her life. And I never even thought about what she was feeling. I mean, just I couldn't believe that someone who loved my daughter so much, and I never even considered what she was going through. And it broke me down. I was like, I was in tears, and I just kind of really begged for her forgiveness for being so insensitive to her to what she needed at that time. And and she understood and she forgave me, and it was like so healing for the two of us. And you know, there's a lot more of those to come, I'm sure. But it was such a healing moment, and it was just such a blessing. And I kept thanking her for telling me because I I don't want anything like that to continue. I don't want any of those kind of moments of when I was insensitive or I said something, you know, rashly. I mean, I really want everything to be clear and you know, bring forgiveness where there needs to be forgiveness.

SPEAKER_00 37:36

You see, blessing, blessing can't transfer if there's there's bitterness there. Yeah. And, you know, one of the things when you model, when you're modeling that, you're you're really honoring her for who God's made her to be. And, you know, this is there's the other thing I, you know, I could the big question you raised, you might somebody might be listening and saying, Well, yeah, we haven't told our adopted kid either that, you know, we adopted him. And uh, and I and so what I tell them is, I said, Well, you know, did you know that you're adopted? And they go, Well, no, no, I had my mom and dad. No, no, no, no. For you to be saved, God the Father had to adopt you as his son or daughter through the perfect work of Christ. He bought the rights to your adoption on the cross. And so you are not actually an adopted son or daughter. And so, and what's so profound about that is that is that he knew exactly who you would be. And so if you have like a natural baby, right, you don't know if they're gonna come out, who they're gonna look like. Are there a combo of this? Are they gonna be good or bad or et cetera, you know? But and so that's your child, right? You you give birth to. But if you volitionally say, I want to adopt this little girl like you did, and add her to our family, that's exactly the way we're born again and become part of God's family. We're chosen, the Bible says, to be adopted as a son and as a daughter to the father. And there's nothing that's more powerful than being adopted, because in in Rome, I think I shared this with you last time we're here, is that they had a ceremony called the adoption.

SPEAKER_01 39:30

Right, right.

Adoption Theology And A Child’s Worth

SPEAKER_00 39:31

And they actually started at Paul writes about this, and so a Roman father who had children, they're all potential heirs, but they were only considered children until the ceremony of adoption. And and when the ceremony adoption happened, they had a ceremony there where the in public that father now placed one of his children as the heir, and he called them, You are now my son. You are my my my beloved son. And once he became a son, he then had access to the inheritance. And then Paul writes in Galatians, right? You know, that uh before the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his son, born of a woman, married, born under law, so that we could receive our adoption as sons and daughters, and if sons, no longer slaves, but heirs. And the the cool thing, if you got a a child that you've adopted, that you're basically saying, I've adopted you to make you my heir with all that I have to bless you with. So you're actually more special. And there's actually I find in in ancient writing about you know some Roman literature, that they would actually have a term they would use, Patrick, of they're more than a son or more than a daughter. Yeah, yeah. Because I chose them. Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 41:13

That's right. That's the gospel, man. I think it ties into the other, the the other thing that a father uniquely gives to their children, which is that they're worthy to be loved. Yes. And I think for for any of us, it's like when you look at the sacrifice of Christ, it's like, I mean, what greater statement of our value is there than that this that this you know that this sacrifice was made to allow me to be adopted into God's family and God's lineage. And so I think it's it's a unique thing. The mother, the mother has already bonded, you know, through the gestation period. So the mother's had nine months of bonding. This child is, you know, chemically and spiritually and physically intertwined with that mother. And so that relationship is sealed. But the father has to make effort. So when the father gets down on his hands and knees to change a diaper to play with the baby, it communicates to this child, even as infants, they're they're receiving that this person wants to be with me. This person must find me valuable. And that's, you know, as a child grows up, and the father is kind of reaffirming that you're you're worth so much to me. This is not a child who's going to be wooed away by the temptations of many of the things that this world has to offer, including traffickers.

SPEAKER_00 42:33

The offers of a new identity don't really stick with our kids when they really are clear about who they are.

SPEAKER_01 42:41

Yeah, yeah. And when they really cherish that identity that they have.

SPEAKER_00 42:44

Yeah, and my my oldest daughter, you know, she she said to me the other day, she says, you know, dad, the reason why we live around here, because you're here. And you you see me. You know me. Yeah. You're my hero. And it's just like, uh is there anything better, Patrick, than to have a friend of yours who hangs out with your children and they call you and says, you know, I just spent time with your son or your daughter. They're amazing. And you know what the the whole time they talked about how amazing you were.

SPEAKER_01 43:29

Yeah, I think comes to a lot of people. And I haven't even paid them. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 43:32

That's it's just well, I think it comes to being known, loved, seen, celebrated. When when a child gets that first from mom and dad. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:43

Yeah, there's nothing like that.

SPEAKER_00 43:44

It's a whole different foundation than someone who's now turning to the world or the internet or et cetera, to try to find out who they are. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:56

And I think, you know, the the point that that that that survivor made. She wanted to see her father love her mother. I mean, it's like, because that means I'm born of love. And so it's like, I think too many, too many couples, they they kind of like physically drift apart. They they drift apart in reaffirming their love for each other through their behavior in front of their children. And I know, I mean, I lived in Japan for eight years. And in in Japan, it's really not seen as something very important to show affection to your wife in public or in front of the children. I mean, you really just don't do that. But it could really see the difference. It's like when children say That's just so dumb. It is kind of a dumb part. And it's like, you know, the Japanese are not that smart. That's really dumb. Yeah. It really is. I mean, it's amazing just how much kids want to see the father love the mother and the mother love the father. That's there. Then the world makes sense. It's like then then there's a there's a foundation of security.

SPEAKER_00 44:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:55

You know, there was a that's they want that identity.

SPEAKER_00 44:58

Then they want to be part of that. Right. There's a oh gosh, I'm trying to remember her name. Her name was Betsy. Well, anyway, she was a she was a researcher and a child developer and did a lot of work with Bush when he was president. And she did this um study to where she was trying to figure out why children from single mother homes were so insecure. And what she found was when a father and a mother go into that nursery, as that child is, you know, even in a nursery, and puts them to bed and they're both there and they're loving one another, that child gets this confidence and they're not whiny, and they they self-soothe. They can be in your crib for hours, no problem. But when mom and dad aren't loving each other and and dad's gone all the time and mom's alone, that child then begins to look outside of himself because he doesn't have that inner security of being, you know, loved by a mom and a dad. Yeah. And so they're looking, who's gonna do this? And so they're they instead of being secured where they go, I you know, I know who I am because I'm loved by my mom and dad, versus a child who has a question mark, they'll spend their whole life trying to figure out that question mark.

SPEAKER_01 46:25

Yeah, that's exactly right. Yeah, it's amazing the the sense of security and the sense of of worth that a that a father that a father provides. And I think that raises an interesting point because a lot of dads are working two jobs. I mean, they're doing what they have to do to take care of their family, and then they kind of feel guilty because they're not there. And this is where the mother is absolutely critical. Her, if she is constantly testifying to her husband, she's constantly testifying about the father, this makes all the world of difference. Then that then the children can maintain this heart of of being loved by the father, even if he can't be there. And this is like like when soldiers go away to war, their children are gone for nine months or however long they're gone.

SPEAKER_00 47:05

Yeah, your your dad, dad is serving our country. Yeah. But it has to be a good thing. It's like um one of the things I get in counseling all the time, where I'll when I do a couples thing, is and I'll see the bantering back and forth and helping them navigate some of that. I'll say, I'll say to the wife, I'll say, you know, do you ever let him win? And she goes, What do you mean? You know, the last 35 minutes, you have pointed out probably 40 things that you're frustrated about your husband. And I I would bet you that you have said this to him over and over again for years. Well, yeah, he's gotta get it right. I said, So why would he want to come home with somebody where he can never feel like he's got any honor? And that and I was watching the husband, and he was on a Zoom call and he just started weeping. And she looked over at him. And she had one of these, she said, Do I do that? She goes, All the time. And I said, Maybe could it be that you're doing that to your husband because you came away from your story with your dad wanting, and you're trying to make your husband into the father you never had. And she just it's a broker. I said, What what if you found something every day to celebrate him? Remember, probably when you first got married, you probably wrote him notes, he miss you, and then as life goes on and you're not good at forgiving one another, next thing you know, you got this bantering, and now your children, you're you're and I remember closing the session off with remember guys, your audience is your kids. You're teaching every one of your daughters how to value a man who's flawed. Because we're flawed, and I might get it right one day, but I will get it right with him at the end, you know. And but I my wife is incredible at celebrating m the wins.

SPEAKER_02 49:19

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:20

And that makes it it kind of puts our chest out a little bit, doesn't it? It's like, yeah. It's so good. Yeah, baby, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not so bad, right? Or we can be like Pee-wee Herman, right? We're just you know, kind of thing. So if you're gal listening, you know, that's that's powerful.

SPEAKER_01 49:40

It is. I I was once I I really do not like shopping. It's it's not one of my things. But I went with my wife and usually You don't like shopping, but you like buying.

SPEAKER_00 49:49

Like, let's get this done. Well, yeah, like I hunting. I like having the stuff. Yeah, yeah. I like having the food now. But I don't want to try it on, you know, 40 times.

SPEAKER_01 49:59

We went we went food shopping once, and and usually I'm checking emails and I'm checking stuff on my phone, you know, while we're shopping and let her do the heavy lifting. And there's one day I went in and I intentionally left my phone in the car, wasn't checking my phone. And so the whole time we're walking through, we're holding hands down the aisle, you know, picking out whatever. And and the whole time I was there with her, you know, working together, you know, shopping. And anyway, I found out later she called my daughters and told them that I that I was shopping with her without my phone. And my daughters were were calling me and talking about how inspired they were and how you know how wonderful that was, you know, how happy mom was. Oh gosh. That's so good. It's in the small things, you know, it's not a good thing. It is.

Showing Love In Daily Moments

SPEAKER_00 50:41

Well it is, it's that it's you know, it's the it's a they want to know if you see them, you feel them, right? Remember uh years ago, we were getting ready to go out to an event, and my wife's in her boudoir. And she's and this boudoir, she has this mirror that's convex, and it's if I look at it, I can see like army soldiers running around in my nostrils. I mean, I got all kinds of I got hairs everywhere, and she's she's beautifying herself. I call it she doesn't like this. You got the magic dirt, right? You put on the because it all it's all minerals, right? So it all comes from the ground. And and so she doesn't like that. But anyway, she beautifies herself and she comes out and is one of those times where she does this every single time, but I don't see it every time. And Patrick, and she just stands there and she just sort of poses. Notice anything. And my heart is saying, We're late, we gotta get in the car, we gotta get going. And I got one right. And this is free for any of you guys. Take this, this, this, you'll get extra lucky if you do what I just about to tell you. But and so I I looked at her and I said, Baby, would you forgive me? For what? That I'm not a wealthy enough man to search the world over to find two jewels that are as beautiful as your eyes are right now. And my wife, I kid you not, what kind of put her hand on her heart and went, woo. I wooed her. I didn't know what a woo was, right? But I saw her and I and I realized that she just she, you know, your wives, guys, they put on their makeup to be seen, especially by you. And just, you know, it just, you know, maybe maybe next time she does, take her on a date and just tell her how beautiful you're just like Patrick was talking about, you know, going shopping with your wife and holding her hand. And you know, I'm not I'm not a shopper, I am a buyer. I like going and conquering, finding out the best deal, do my research. I get in there, I'd like to be there like 18 seconds max. You know, can you have it at the counter? Is it ready to go? Boom. Transaction. You know, I'm a busy guy. But man, it's so good to be with you, Patrick. I feel like you're my brother from another mother. Amen. And why don't we close this? Why don't you why don't you pray? Pray for the event and anybody who's watching right now, and and and then we'll wrap it up.

SPEAKER_01 53:34

Okay. Loving Heavenly Father, we are just so grateful for the things that you have placed in our path. And we want so much to take to take care of each other. Father, there are so many, so many people who are are lonely and lost in this world. And you have blessed us with salvation. You've blessed us with hope. You've blessed us with an understanding that we have been adopted into your family, that you love us dearly. There's nothing you wouldn't do for us. And Heavenly Father, you also created a plan and a system and a path for us to live in relationship with you that would be so full and so rewarding. When we read that sin is lawlessness, we realize that the law is not something to confine and restrict us, but it it liberates us to be truly, truly in communion with you. It lifts us to be truly human and truly your sons and daughters. And Heavenly Father, we want to understand the form and the pathway that you created for human beings to live. And we want to drive our lives in our homes with our children in that direction, in the direction that you designed and you created for us, Heavenly Father. Not not stumbling around looking for the things that glitter and shine and and smack of wonder. But we want so much, Heavenly Father, to be attracted to you and the love, the pure love that you have for us. And Heavenly Father, and the promise that you give to us through your Son Jesus. Heavenly Father, I'm so grateful for everyone who's listening. I just pray that that in some way they could have been honored, Henry Father, they can feel more grateful that they, you know, for the life that they have, whether they had a good father or an abysmal father or an absent father. Pray, Henry Father, that they can resolve that, Father, through their relationship with you, our Heavenly Father, that you are consistent. You are the one who cares and guides us. And I pray so much that this event, this this event can be your event. It's it's your place to reach your children. It's it's your place for your voice to be heard and your heart to be felt and known. Heavenly Father, we're so grateful for you as our parent. Father, we're so grateful for the things and the opportunities that you give to us, the people that we are blessed to meet and have in our lives. We pray that that never ends, that we never close our hearts to those that you've prepared for us. And we offer all of this in the name of Christ our Lord. Amen.

SPEAKER_00 55:58

Amen. Oh, that's so good. So good to be with you, Patrick. Uh here in our little studio here. If you're wondering, that's one of my commission paintings behind him there, that's uh Minaret Lake, if you're a California person. But, you know, I just so honored to be with you. And so, Lord, I just thank you for my friends, and uh the Lord bless you. And remember, it's never too late for God to heal your family, use your life to make an amazing impact with the rest of your days. Your kids and your grandkids too. Amen. God bless you. Thanks for showing up to the Father Difference podcast. A little longer today, but totally worth it. God bless you.

SPEAKER_03 56:46

If you've enjoyed what you've seen and heard today, and you want to know more about how to be the husband and father your family really needs, please go to the fatherdifference.com and click on the Fatherhood Academy and sign up today. It only takes one loving father to change the course of generations and one perfectly heavenly father to begin the process. May God bless you, and we look forward to seeing you in the Fatherhood Academy.